Stupid Things I Believed As a Child
A ringing in my ears means I have cancer. I believed this probably right up until the end of elementary school. I’d got it in my head th..
What Your Dog Is Trying to Tell You
…when he barks after you leave the house. Hey! Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey hey hey! Hey! Are you coming back? Hey, are you coming back? You’..
What I think Bon Iver Is Singing in “Calgary”
G’head. Turn it on and tell me I’m wrong. I know you have the mp3.
—
Don’t you cherish me and sleep
Aaaaaaah
Never keep ..
How to Be the Sexiest Woman Ever: State Fair Edition
Ladies: so you’re hoping to nab a keeper and/or convince your significant other to buy you something shiny. But aw damn! You’re at the sta..
A Love Letter to My Freshly Shorn Hair
Dear New Haircut:
Here we are! Back from your new haircut! Admiring ourselves in the mirror and wondering if the world will ever be..
Being Un-Photogenic
Being un-photogenic doesn’t mean being ugly. Being un-photogenic just means there’s a fundamental disconnect between what the camera e..
Policies College Instructors Would Like to Put in Their Syllabi
Put your goddamn legs together. I know it is your goal to sit as parallel with the ground as you possibly can for the duration of clas..
Dear Body: Sorry I’m Boring
Dear Body,
Hey, Scrawny McPoochington! You and me, we go way back. We survived that one summer when I refused to wear kneepads when..
How to Start Running (When the Last Time You Worked on a Pair of Legs, They Were Fried and Came from a Chicken)
Let’s say you have the shittiest time machine ever, and it can only go back about a month and once you’re back there you can only talk..
Psychological Evaluations of 80s Power Ballad Narrators
REO Speedwagon, Keep on Loving You
Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder coupled with a debilitating low self-esteem and select..
Things I Didn’t Know I’d Miss about Nebraska
Picture metaphorically, if you will, a tall lanky blonde girl skipping merrily east on Interstate 80 from Omaha, abruptly turning left at ..
Rereading Your Favorite Book
Of the five copies of your favorite book in your bookcase, only one is actually for reading. It’s dog-eared and highlighted. Its spine is ..