Author: Katie Sisneros
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Celebrating International Women’s Day Like a REAL Woman, 7 Years Later
Seven years ago, when I was but a wee baby 24 year old in the 2nd year of my PhD program, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek, fart-joke-filled post celebrating International Women’s Day. I would like to update that post for my 2018 post-graduate school life. Hello, women. Everybody remembered the secret handshake to get into the…
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My PhD Defense Gift Registry
Because damnit I’ve worked for six and a half years for this friggin’ thing and I deserve some prezzies. —– – A copy of the 250 dollar academic book I desperately needed for my dissertation work but couldn’t afford to buy so I kept renewing the copy I had checked out at the library for…
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I Want to Be Your 6th Grade Class President, by Donald J. Trump (age 11)
Hello, fellow sixth graders of Kew-Forest School. My name is Donald J. Trump, but you can call me Donny. I am eleven years old, I like riding my bike, pulling the legs off grasshoppers, and my pleated chinos. I would like to be your class president. I would be a very good president, the greatest,…
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It’s 2016. Are You Kidding Me.
It’s 2016. No, I’m not reminding you what year it is (it’s April, get that shit on lockdown). I’m saying it’s fucking 2016. This has become the mantra of the frustrated, horrified, embarrassed masses who cannot believe we’re still having some of these conversations. Is a transgender person going to assault me in the bathroom?…
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A Love Letter to These Fuckin’ Lil’ Weenies
My Dearest Lil’ Weenies, When I saw you at the grocery store prior to my drive up north for a nice long weekend in a warm cabin, I knew it was meant to be. There you were, near-ish the bacon and just above the cheddarwursts in the refrigerated back wall section where they also inexplicably…
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A Manifesto for the Profoundly Uncoordinated
Some people are beautiful, symmetrical, smooth, and glowing. Some are off-putting, pocky, inexplicably lumpy, and faintly resemble a flesh-colored garbage bag full of porridge. Some are witty and erudite, but some are one taco short of a combination plate, if you catch my drift. Some are tall, some are short. Some have lovely long hair,…
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Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for Reluctant Adults
1. Remember to lift your wiper blades if there’s snow in the forecast. Sometimes, you know there’s a real adult nearby just by looking at context clues. Do you see a car parked uphill with the front tires turned away from the curb? You know damn well a grown ass adult parked that car. Did…
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5 Fun Ideas for Those Thanksgiving Leftovers!
Happy end of the beginning of the holidays, readers! The extended family has gone home, all your cleverest strategic hiding spots for bottles of booze around the house have been depleted, and you’ve got a refrigerator full of enough food to feed four more families. Here are some fun and clever ideas on how to…
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First Draft of Jason Derulo’s “Want To Want Me”
(Intro music) (Derulo…) It’s so hard to sleep I, Jason Derulo, got the sheets on the floor Listen to me, I’m Jason Derulo, And I, meaning me, Jason Derulo, can’t take it no more It’s a hundred degrees I, Jason Derulo, got one foot out the door Where are the keys that belong to Jason…
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How We Imagine Harry Potter is Spending his 35th Birthday
Experiencing erectile dysfunction due to mid-life malaise. Watching Albus Severus’s Quidditch game and muttering “I would have caught the snitch by now… to himself. Wondering how hot Cho Chang got. Drinking from the stash of home-brewed butterbeer he keeps hidden behind his old copy of Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them on his bookshelf. Looking up…
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What It’s Actually Like to Karaoke Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Every one of us, at some point, comes to the conclusion that it is a good idea to karaoke Bonnie Tyler’s seminal hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Every one of us is, objectively, wrong. Unless you happen to be Bonnie Tyler herself, or at least a Welsh woman who’s been a smoker since she…
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Less Obvious Reasons Space Is Scary as Fuck
If your top three list of the most terrifying things you can think of doesn’t consist of 1) the deep ocean, 2) trying to escape a cornfield in the dead of night in the middle of North Center O’Nowheresburg Platte, Nebraska while being pursued by a slow walking masked murderer who seems inexplicably capable of…