Imagined Conversations
Category
Ask a Cold War Movie Villain Who’s Currently Interrogating You
You have questions, but I have questions too. Your willingness to provide answers will determine just how this little…conversation between us will go.
I Want to Be Your 6th Grade Class President, by Donald J. Trump (age 11)
Hello, fellow sixth graders of Kew-Forest School. My name is Donald J. Trump, but you can call me Donny. I am eleven years old, I like rid..
It’s 2016. Are You Kidding Me.
It’s 2016. No, I’m not reminding you what year it is (it’s April, get that shit on lockdown). I’m saying it’s fucking 2016. This has becom..
A Love Letter to These Fuckin’ Lil’ Weenies
My Dearest Lil’ Weenies,
When I saw you at the grocery store prior to my drive up north for a nice long weekend in a warm cabin, I knew..
Gay Sims I Made In 7th Grade
1. Freddie
Freddie was supposed to look like Freddie Prinze, Jr. (who I had a major crush on), but I could never get the facial propo..
10 Hot New Spotify Playlists
Newsboy Hat
Ding ding! It’s Mr. Sensitive biking by! Scat folk for the guy who knows what “pentameter” means.
No Makeup Selfie
Gu..
Of COURSE I want my damn penny back on this 99-cent purchase
I’m sorry—I know it’s irrational to be annoyed by that question. I’m sure a lot of people want nothing to do with their one-cent change, a..
How We Imagine Harry Potter is Spending his 35th Birthday
Experiencing erectile dysfunction due to mid-life malaise.
Watching Albus Severus’s Quidditch game and muttering “I would have caught t..
The Script for Every Episode of House Hunters International Ever
Michaela is giving up her Dream Job that Pays Less than Her Husband Michael’s to follow her husband to Exotic New City for his High Paying..
The Easter Bunny tries to get laid
“Hey!”
“Hey.”
“Great party, huh?”
“I guess. Kind of crowded.”
“Well, steal a pile of lettuce, and that’s what you’ll get! I wa..
Dear Daisy
I guess first of all I should say “hi.” Hi! How have you been? It’s certainly been a long time, hasn’t it? I really hope this letter finds..
Santa Welcomes His Elves Back From Summer Vacation
Ho, ho, ho! No, I’m not talking about you, Twinkles, though we all saw your Instagrams from Ibiza. Just so you know, it wasn’t me who repo..