• Use some variation of “I drink obscene amounts of coffee” or “1 part yogi, 1 part cat lover, 3 parts caffeine” in every bio ever.

• Constantly subject the rest of us to us to tweets, Facebook updates, and Gchat statuses like “Ugh. Haven’t had morning coffee yet. Ugh. Death. #Monday.” It’s akin to having a thousand Brownies from Willow jam their little Brownie spears directly into your eyes every single time you look at your computer.

• When you’re at a work retreat daydreaming about squirrel porn while watching a Sexual Harassment in the Workplace PowerPoint, they’ll be the ones whispering snarky comments in your ear about how “a cup of motor oil would be a hell of a lot better than this abominable sludge,” leaving you feeling disgusted, confused, and morbidly ashamed that two seconds ago you were happily slurping down your naïve little two-creamer, four-packet-of-Splenda brew.

• Drink obscene amounts of a stainy brown liquid, then fail to comprehend how that could’ve led to the yellow beaver teeth they’re always griping about. There’s only so much the good people at Crest White Strips can do for self-denial. Ask Freud. Or Dr. Crest.

• Refuse to accept your inconceivable lack of desire for coffee by being so insistent about their plentiful coffee offerings with “enticing” names like Kona, Viennese, and Machiato that you’re forced to yell in front of the whole dinner party that “I just don’t feel like having the runs all night, okay?!”

• Cram into the bus aisle with a giant Thermos full of scalding hot liquid that threatens to spill all over your terrified face.

– Regan Smith

Photo by Qole Pejorian (Creative Commons)