Horses
“Why are we sleeping in a tent in the barn?”
“Give those here.”
“What?”
“The Oreos. Give them here.”
“Here you go, you freakin’ pig.”
“It’s not a barn. It’s the arena.”
“What do you mean, it’s not a barn?”
“It’s the arena. This part is just for riding.”
“What the hell, man. We’re in a big wooden place with hay and horses. If this isn’t a barn, I don’t know what is.”
“Nasty!”
“What?”
“Rich’s pop is coming out his nose!”
“Aw, nasty, Rich! Use a napkin, man!”
“Hey, it’s on my sleeping bag.”
“Yeah, and your sleeping bag is on the air mattress next to mine. I don’t want to roll over on the wet spot!”
“Don’t talk to me about wet spots—I’m the one who’s gotta sleep next to Andy!”
“Shut up.”
“Oh yeah, he’ll have all kinds of wet spots over there. He’ll have one for the pop, and one for Laura!”
“Shut up, Pat. You’re not funny!”
“Epstein here thinks so—he’s got pop coming out his nose!”
“See, Andy? It’s right here. Want to touch it?”
“No! Let go of me!”
“He’s got his own wet spots. So why are we in the barn?”
“Would you rather be in the house?”
“No, but Epstein would. He has the hots for your teacher.”
“Oh, yeah. I’ve got the hots for that old lady.”
“I know you do! You just want to grab those droopy boobs and squeeze ’em ’til milk comes out!”
“I know you do.”
“No, it’s you, man! You want her old curdled milk on your Cheerios! Mmmm.”
“You scared of the barn, Pat?”
“Hell, yes! What if those crazy horses break out and trample us in our sleep?”
“They’re not gonna break out of their pens.”
“How do we know that? Your teacher’s getting old and senile—maybe she forgot to latch one of the gates!”
“Even if she did, there’s no reason the horses would want to come out.”
“The horse is gonna smell your semen, Andy, and while it’s licking it up it’s gonna trample me and Epstein.”
“At least it would be fun for him!”
“Yeah, at least it would be fun for you, Andy! Why don’t you go over there right now and have the horse lick your dick until you cum? That way you won’t have a wet dream about Laura later and get me and Epstein trampled.”
“It wasn’t funny the first time, Pat. Get a new joke.”
“Why don’t you get a new dick, Norton?”
“Now, that was funny! ‘Why don’t you get a new dick, Norton?'”
“Yeah, Pat, that was funny. You gonna try that on Lutzen? ‘Why don’t you get your notebook out, Mr. Brooks?’ ‘Why don’t you get a new dick, Mrs. Lutzen?'”
“That’s funny.”
“I dare you to do that.”
“Shut up, Epstein. I don’t need her boyfriend the janitor to come pound my ass with his plunger!”
“Yeah. It’ll stick to your butt cheek and you’ll need to cut holes in all your pants for the handle. You’ll be walking around wearing the plunger handle like a tail.”
“You’ll never be able to sit down again.”
“I can just see Vera. ‘Pat, is that a plunger sticking to your ass? I’m never gonna kiss you again!'”
“Shut up, Epstein. When are you gonna quit being jealous?”
“Why don’t you get a new dick, Brooks?”
“Yeah, Pat, why don’t you get a new dick?”
“Why don’t you go have the horse lick your dick, Norton?”
“Hey, Pat, did you see Vera at recess yesterday?”
“Why?”
“She hung upside down on the bars, and you could see her bra. Just for a second.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“What color was it?”
“What color do you think it was, Brooks? It was white! Like a seventh-grader’s gonna have a black bra. You think Mrs. Gray takes her shopping at Victoria’s Secret?”
“I hear Andy’s mom takes him shopping there!”
“Ha ha.”
“You know it’s true!”
“Shut up.”
“Hey Norton—you ever see two horses getting it on?”
“Yeah.”
“How do they do it? Do they, like, back up to each other?”
“No. The male sort of, like, climbs on top.”
“And rams it in from behind? Damn! What are you laughing at, Epstein?”
“I’m laughing at you, Brooks! ‘Do they back up to each other?’ How’re they gonna aim?”
“Why don’t you shut up, Rich?”
“Why don’t you get a new dick, Pat?”
“What’re you laughing at, Norton? I know that’s how you wanna do Laura—horsey-style!”
“Yeah, Andy. You wanna back up to her!”
“Shut up, Epstein!”
“Okay, okay. Hey, Pat!”
“What?”
“You know what it’s time for?”
“Oh, yeah…”
“Oh. No. Guys…”
“Boner check!”
“Boner check!”
“Oh, God, guys…let go…hey…okay. Okay. There. You see?”
“What’s wrong with you, Andy? Aren’t you a man? Don’t you wanna ride Laura like a horsey?”
“Neigh! Neigh!”
“Shut up, Pat. That’s nasty.”
“That’s the way you like it!”
“At least I don’t have a plunger stuck to my butt!”
“Yeah, Pat—at least he doesn’t have a plunger stuck to his butt!”
“Shut up, Rich. Okay, since clearly nobody wants to fall asleep out here in the barn and let the horses come stomp on us, let’s play truth or dare.”
“Okay.”
“Fine.”
“My idea, so I’m going first.”
“Fine.”
“Andy!”
“God. What?”
“I dare you to run naked out to that wagon and back.”
“No!”
“Ha! Loser!”
“I’m not running out there naked! Noreen’s gonna see me!”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about your old teacher. Sorry, I’ll save that dare for Epstein.”
“Good idea.”
“Except I’ll dare him to run all the way up to her house and stick his dick in her wrinkled pussy. Oh, wait—I forgot. He doesn’t need a dare to do that!”
“All right, look. Andy. Why don’t you run out to the wagon in your underwear.”
“No!”
“God! She’s not gonna see you! She’s asleep!”
“Come on, Andy. You always wuss out at this game.”
“God.”
“Come on, Norton.”
“Fine! Fine.”
“Yeah, Norton!”
“Streak! Streak! Streak!”
“Hey, Noreen! Come see your favorite student in his sexy tighty whities!”
“Does Laura like those tighty whities, Andy? Do you ever go home wearing each other’s underwear?”
“I bet you keep her panties, ’cause you like wearing ’em!”
“All right, guys. You want me to do this or not?”
“Hell, yes, we want you to do it! What, you think we want your tighty whitey butt in our faces all night?”
“Okay, Andy, go!”
“God.”
“Go!”
“Is he stepping in horse shit?”
“Don’t step in the horse shit, Norton!”
“That’s not that far out there. You should’ve dared him to go farther.”
“He wouldn’t even go that far.”
“Don’t step in the shit, Andy!”
“Okay, there. Done.”
“Did you step in the horse shit?”
“No, I didn’t step in the horse shit.”
“Smells like you did. Check the bottoms of your feet.”
“I didn’t step in the horse poop! I would’ve known.”
“What did you call it? Poop?”
“Poop, yeah. What’s wrong with ‘poop’?”
“That’s real cute. Does your mom still wipe your ass when you poop? ‘Mom! I pooped!'”
“Okay, it’s my turn.”
“Hey! I did the first dare—I should get the next turn.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t call it, so tough.”
“Shit.”
“Hey, watch that language, Norton!”
“Yeah. If you’re mad, say ‘Poop!'”
“Okay, Rich, you gonna go or what?”
“Okay. Andy!”
“Man!”
“What? I can dare whoever I want to! Your turn to make a dare is next.”
“Fine. Shit.”
“You mean ‘poop.'”
“Just go, okay?”
“Okay. Andy, I dare you to go up to Laura on Monday and ask if you can screw her like a horse.”
“What? No!”
“It’s real easy, Andy. You just have to kind of back up to her.”
“Bite me, Epstein!”
“You wish, Brooks. Okay, Norton, fine. Just snap her bra, then.”
“No! School is off limits! It has to be something to do tonight.”
“That’s cheap, Andy.”
“I don’t care. This stupid game isn’t worth it.”
“Hey—it’s your party!”
“Yeah, but the game wasn’t my idea, and I already did a dare anyway. Dare Pat to do something. And gimme those Oreos.”
“Hey, leave some for breakfast!”
“Go ahead and eat Epstein’s. He’s gonna have Cheerios with Noreen’s lumpy milk on ’em.”
“Whatever, Brooks. Okay, Andy, truth.”
“Fine. Truth.”
“What was the last time you cranked the shank?”
“What?”
“Stroked the dog. Jerked off.”
“Oh, jeez. I’m not answering that.”
“Yeah, you are. You’ve already wimped out twice in this game.”
“Not when you were following the rules.”
“You just made that rule up about nothing at school.”
“Come on, Andy, tell us.”
“Yeah, come on.”
“How can I answer that? You’ll tell everyone at school.”
“No, we won’t.”
“Yeah, we will! But who cares? I’ll admit it—I jack off all the time! I just did it this morning in the shower! And last night, too.”
“I didn’t ask you, Brooks. I asked Andy. Come on, Andy. What was the last time?”
“You were in the port-a-potty for a long time this afternoon. Was it in there?”
“Yes.”
“Yes?!”
“Yes, sure. Whatever you say. I jacked off in the port-a-potty.”
“All right! Way to go, Andy! Making use of the facilities!”
“That’s pretty nasty, Andy. Beating off in the port-a-potty.”
“Okay, now it’s my turn!”
“Sure you don’t want to go to the port-a-potty first?”
“See? I knew you weren’t gonna stop talking about that.”
“Hey, man. Don’t worry about it. Having a little fun in the port-a-potty? No shame in that game!”
“Okay, I’m gonna go beat off in the port-a-potty if you two don’t shut up and get on with the game! Who are you gonna dare, Andy?”
“Who else? Pat.”
“Okay. Bring it on!”
“What should I dare him, Rich?”
“Can’t you think of anything?”
“I want to hear your suggestions. I don’t wanna waste this.”
“Dare him to go jack off in the port-a-potty.”
“No. How are we gonna make sure he did? Go watch him?”
“You wanna watch me jack off in the port-a-potty? That’s nasty, man. I’m gonna tell Laura.”
“Damn, Andy! Did you eat all the Oreos?”
“Umm…”
“You ate all the Oreos? What a pig!”
“Sorry.”
“Damn!”
“Okay, come on, Norton. What’re you gonna dare him?”
“What do you think I should do?”
“I think you should dare him to go out there and do something, like he made you do.”
“Like what?”
“I’m gonna tell Laura that you wanna hump me like a horsey. That’s nasty, man.”
“Okay, Pat. I thought of something.”
“Okay, what?”
“Go hump that hay bale.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, Norton! Way to go!”
“Why don’t you shut up, Rich?”
“Why don’t you get a new…”
“Shut up, Epstein!”
“That’s the dare, Pat. Go hump that hay bale over there in the doorway.”
“Naked!”
“Man, you have the hots for me, too? Jesus! I’m surrounded by homos! I’m calling my mom, man. I’m getting out of here.”
“Come on, Brooks. Ride that hay like a horsey.”
“Neigh! Neigh!”
“Fine. But I’m keeping my shorts on.”
“I never told you to take them off. That was Rich’s idea.”
“God, Rich. What a homo.”
“Go ahead, Brooks. You heard the man.”
“Neigh! Neigh!”
“Neigh! Neigh!”
“All right! All right! I’m going. God. Homos.”
“Don’t step in the horse shit, Brooks!”
“Yeah, Pat! Don’t step in the horse shit!”
“There he goes! Yeah, Pat!”
“Neigh! Neigh!”
“Go, Brooks, go!”
“That was hilarious.”
“Yeah! Good call, Norton.”
“Jesus dammit. I don’t believe you homos.”
“Nice job, Brooks. You really got into that job like a pro.”
“Okay, now it’s my turn.”
“You didn’t step in any horse shit, did you?”
“No, I didn’t step in any…damn!”
“What?”
“I got hay in my shorts, you homo assholes. Ow! Shit. It’s not funny! Shit! Ow.”
“Oh, man! I’m glad I’m not drinking pop!”
“Ugh! Keep your nasty hay, Pat!”
“Oh, man! Gross! Don’t throw that stuff at us!”
“Shit. Okay…Andy!”
“Yeah?”
“Truth!”
“Okay. What?”
“Did you think about Laura last time you jacked off?”
“No.”
“You’re lying, man.”
“Why’d you ask if you didn’t want the truth?”
“Who were you thinking about? That horse licking your dick?”
“He was thinking about Vera! Weren’t you, Andy?”
“Were you thinking about Vera, man? I’m gonna pound you if you were!”
“I answered the question. Your turn, Rich.”
“Why weren’t you thinking about Laura, Andy? Don’t you like her?”
“Yeah, I like her.”
“So?”
“So I don’t think of her that way.”
“Liar!”
“Yeah, man. You lie like a rug.”
“No, it’s true!”
“You’re a liar, Norton. I see you in English. You spend the whole time staring at her! What are you thinking about, her hairstyle?”
“No, no, no. I’m just thinking about…her.”
“Her…vagina?”
“God! No!”
“Come on, Andy—admit it. You wanna hump her like I did with that bale of hay. Ouch! Damn. I’m never gonna get all this shit out of my shorts.”
“No, no, no.”
“You’re full of shit, Andy. So what do you wanna do with her, then?”
“I just want to…talk with her.”
“About what? Politics?”
“Sure, whatever. Whatever she wants to talk about.”
“That’s really it. You just want to talk with her.”
“Yeah.”
“Bullshit!”
“No, really. All the time I imagine conversations with her! Like, I’ll sit there in English class and imagine that I’m talking with her about how boring the class is, or about the way Mr. Murray’s eye twitches, or about the volleyball game.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. Seriously.”
“Damn.”
“What?”
“Don’t you think she’d be kind of…freaked out? If she knew that?”
“What…and she wouldn’t be freaked out if she thought I wanted to hump her like a horse?”
“I don’t know, man. Maybe not. I mean, that’s what we all think about, right?”
“You think about humping Laura?”
“No! I mean…I mean, whatever, man. The girls just know we’re all horny 24-7, you know? I mean, you know that when Norton gets up to write on the board, they can see the tent pole in his pants.”
“You were looking, Brooks? And you’re calling me a homo?”
“Yeah, Pat. You were looking?”
“Shut up, Epstein. Don’t you think it’s kind of weird that Norton sits around all day pretending he’s talking with Laura?”
“Sometimes at night, too.”
“Jesus! Get a life, man! If Laura knew that, she’d never go near you again!”
“As if she comes near me much anyway.”
“True.”
“I dunno, Pat. I think she’d rather have me imagining conversations with her than you imagining having sex with her.”
“Oh, no. She’d definitely love that.”
“Oh yeah, Brooks. You’re such a freakin’ ladies’ man. When I tell Vera about how you were going at that hay bale, she’ll get all hot.”
“I’ll tell her Norton put me up to it!”
“And I’ll tell her you were looking at Rich’s tent pole!”
“Shut up, Norton. Why don’t you go off to the port-a-potty and imagine some more conversations with Laura. ‘So how do you like the smell, honey pie?'”
“Why don’t you get a new dick, Pat?”
“Yeah! Why don’t you…”
“Just go, Epstein. It’s your turn.”
“Oh, yeah! It’s my turn! Okay…Andy! Run up to your teacher’s window, knock on it, and moon her!”
“Why are you telling him to do what you want to do, Epstein?”
“I don’t want to move, guys. I’m feeling sick.”
“You are such a heinous liar, Norton!”
“No…really.”
“It was all those damn Oreos, man.”
“Yeah, Andy. Way to leave some for me.”
“Hey, Brooks. You know what it’s time for?”
“What…oh, yeah. It’s most definitely time.”
“All this talk about Laura making you hot, Norton?”
“No, guys. I think I’m gonna puke. You don’t wanna…”
“Oh, yes we do!”
“Boner check!”
“Boner…aaaugh!”
“Aw, nasty, man!”
“I’m getting out of here!”
“Me too!”
“Aw, Jesus. Smells like shit.”
“Smells like Oreos!”
“At least it’s on your sleeping bag, man.”
“Oh, God. Shit.”
“Damn! It’s freezing out here!”
“I know. Why are we out in the damn barn?!”
“Ask Andy, man.”
“Shit. I don’t understand anything about that guy. Is he finished yet?”
“If you’re looking for something to do, Brooks, there’s a bale of hay over there.”
“Why don’t you go over there and get some straw in your own shorts, Epstein?”
“Why don’t you get a new dick, Brooks?”
– Jay Gabler (2004)