Part One: Pregaming the Royal Wedding
3:25 a.m., two guys and a girl debate who they’ll represent in the blog.
“Okay CBass, I’ll be Anderson Cooper and you be Piers Morgan.”
“Why do I have to be Piers Morgan?”
“Because my dad looks like Anderson Cooper.”
“Katie, you’re that girl. Sitting between them. Whoever she is.”
“Yeah, you don’t know, do you. Because girls aren’t important.”
3:30 a.m., Dustin shares his thoughts on primogeniture.
“It must be stupid to be the royal family and have children who are famous for no reason. Nothing like Willow or Jayden Smith.”
3:35 a.m., Dustin and CBass have opinions about fashion.
“I think this is a stupid hat party.”
“What are these queermos wearing?”
“Oh, those are the vampire hunters.” (referencing the Catholic priests)
“That hat just needs words across it that say ‘Put Dick Here.’ Which I guess technically means you should fuck her in the nose.”
“Phillip Treacy. He’s on my shit list now. He’s the hat designer.”
3:37 a.m., Dustin makes a topical joke.
“I’d like to see Prince William’s long-form birth certificate. This whole thing could be a sham.”
3:40 a.m., CBass reveals his ignorance, Dustin makes a joke in poor taste. The group considers whether it’s “too soon.”
“Who’s his dad again?”
“That dude that was banging Princess Diana?”
“Yep. Before that one dude banged her. With his car.”
3:45 a.m., CBass weighs in on homelessness in the UK
“Would fucking on the Royal motor coach be the ultimate hobo badge of honor?”
3:46 a.m., as Elton John enters Westminster grounds
“Woah, he’s a waddler!”
“He looks like a penguin.”
“He should be The Penguin.”
“That would be an interesting choice for Christopher Nolan.”
“How sweet would it be to do blow with Elton John off his platinum records?”
“I don’t want this to sound weird, but I’d do blow with Elton John off his erect penis.”
Temporary lull in the debate over blog post format as our three intrepid spectators pass out in quick succession, having spent the entire night playing the drinking game “Drink every time you see a hat attached to the side of someone’s face.”
4:03 a.m., the team continues to consider what to blog about.
“I want to blog about anything that’ll get Piers Morgan to recognize my tweets on TV.”
“I don’t even know how to blog. I just want to drink. That’s usually how I write: when I’m trying to write, I just drink.”
“I think our best approach is to take a David Bowie Space Oddity stance and totally asexually figure out who we want to fuck.”
“I want to blog about how I want to bang Princess Jasmine, and if somehow that doesn’t work out I’ll settle for Kate Middleton. And by that I mean if my life-size cardboard cut-out of Princess Jasmine breaks.”
4:16 a.m., CBass makes a topical joke.
“Who’s riding in the front seat of the car?”
“I think it’s Jackie Onassis.”
4:18 a.m., as Katie watches Princes William and Harry enter Westminster Abbey.
“Oooh, I’m so excited!”
“OH MY GOD JESUS CHRIST OH FOR GOD’S SAKE ARE YOU GONNA GO ALL WEEPY”
“Fucking shut the fuck up. Fuck.”