“Sorry, I need to take this.” – polite burglar

— matt (@biorhythmist) February 18, 2013

do thresoms make girls mor prone to having their period synced up

— Mira Gonzalez (@miraunedited) February 23, 2013

spencer thinks Roy Orbison looks like Kim Jong Il

— alessandra cat (@alessandradite) February 23, 2013

i think, ‘unlocking my genius’ every time i go to the art supply store to buy things that i never use

— gabby gabby (@seemstween) February 23, 2013

Comedy marketed specifically to college students runs on empty laughs the same way those luxury buildings run on empty money. Student loals

— Sarah Harper (@s424h) February 22, 2013

fuck/marry/kill: yalta conference. go

— Halley Rose (@snailzy) February 22, 2013

I’m a Bert in the streets, but an Ernie in the sheets.

— The Critic (@The_Critic) February 21, 2013

I hope Quentin Tarantino’s next revenge fantasy movie is about everyone torturing the person who changed “Save As” to “Unlock/ Duplicate.”

— Becky Lang (@leckybang) February 19, 2013

craigslisters: if you don’t include a photo of the apartment you’re showing, i assume you’re inviting me over for a quiet night of murder

— Emily Cain (@citizencain_) February 19, 2013

i’m calling bullshit on dryer sheets

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) February 19, 2013

“literally fill your dick with blood and then put it in a warm soft part of me” – basically all girls. smdh.

— crispin best (@crispinbest) February 19, 2013

The only people allowed to hate on hipsters are those who are in a barber shop quartet, because those motherfuckers EARNED it.

— Jen Kirwin (@JennKirwin) February 18, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler