I don’t mind going to work: it’s the 45-minute commute that really gets me down.

I’ll stop talking as soon as I sense that you have something you would like to add to the conversation.

A woman without a man is like a fish that has just deposited millions of eggs which will forgo fertilization and instead be sold as caviar.

I noticed you were following me rather closely. You must be in a hurry. Is it an emergency? I’ll pull over onto the shoulder and let you pass.

What happened to your face? My God, I’m so sorry to hear that. But personally, I think scars are beautiful.

My favorite football team is the vikings and whoever has the prettiest helmets.

Keep staring—only through steadfast patience and silence of mind can the birdwatcher harvest the secret fruits of his own backyard.

My wife has become a much better cook since she took those classes in Italy.

Men are like blenders—strong, dependable, and capable of internally mashing up a variety of fruit, vegetables, or really anything else you put in them, and then evacuating this puree into another vessel.

If idiots grew on trees, we’d probably be living in a horrible dystopian society in which people of below-average intelligence were routinely hung from trees and left up as an incentive for children to do well in school.

– Matt Beachey