Author: Matt Beachey
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Greetings from the May 2012 Urban Outfitters Catalog
Dear friends and family, The Urban Outfitters team had a wonderful time last month stirring up controversy with a girl-on-girl kiss! Unfortunately, we got some negative feedback from that one, so this month we’re cleansing our proverbial “acts” by heading to the desert! Don’t worry, we haven’t sacrificed any of our apathetic whimsy or alt…
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Sincere Beer Coozy Slogans
I don’t mind going to work: it’s the 45-minute commute that really gets me down. I’ll stop talking as soon as I sense that you have something you would like to add to the conversation. A woman without a man is like a fish that has just deposited millions of eggs which will forgo fertilization…
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What the Snack Your Mom Brought for Your Soccer Team Says About You
Rice Krispie Bars Like this schlock your mom whipped up for the game, you’re nothing but fluff. In five years everyone will realize this. For now you can get away with being the vapid asshole that everyone is scared into liking. Celery and Carrots You haven’t scored a single goal or even been in passing…
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Things To Do While Your Computer Is Taking Too Long to Fire Up
1. Stare at your own reflection in the blank screen. It will probably be very dim and non-descript. If you’ve ever been curious as to how you look in the dark, this is it. This is what your lover sees as you two lay in bed. For many of you, this is the most attractive…
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Yes, dog, you totally scared me away from your shit-filled yard
Listen to me, dog: I am not afraid of you. That’s right, you collared, overfed mongrel. Countless generations of domestication have showed you your place as the subservient BFF of mankind. But every time I walk past this house, there you are with this attitude, tail up and teeth bared. Teeth that have chewed on…
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People You See in Cub Foods After Midnight and What They’re Buying
The entire family “Kids, get dressed, it’s time to go to Cub. Your father’s been drinking. Hopefully he’ll stay in the car this time.” He hasn’t. Neither parent notices that their youngest son is repeatedly ramming their cart into yours. Small messes are scattered behind them in each aisle. Notable items at checkout: a twenty-four…
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Getting Addicted to Cigarettes is Harder than I Thought
I bought a pack of American Spirits a couple weeks ago and I’m only half way through it. I’ve been trying intermittently to pick up smoking for years now, and I’ve come to realize that cultivating an addiction to cigarettes is like force-feeding a child 20 servings of raw broccoli daily until she no longer…