I think my ideal sexual type is “Harrison Ford being interviewed by someone he doesn’t respect.”

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) October 30, 2013

How much classic American literature can be boiled down to “white dude fucks around on a road trip”

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) October 29, 2013

Knowing all the bouncers is the ‘check engine’ light for your life.

— Ally Beardsley (@allybeardsfest) October 25, 2013

Turns out the real transaction cost of paying an L.A. cab fare with credit card is being berated by the driver while he eats grapes.

— Nathan Heller (@nathanheller) October 23, 2013

“We slept together/we wept together.” The dude who turned in the poem with these lines officially wins my class.

— Stephanie Karina (@fangs17) October 23, 2013

i’ll take bloody spewing neckstumps and irreversible psychological trauma over lady areolae any day right @facebook y’all feel me

— Halley Rose (@snailzy) October 21, 2013

untoasted bagels are the flaccid penises of breakfast foods, like how am i supposed to enjoy this texture

— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) October 21, 2013

Daniel Day-Lewis sent over 20 million emails to prepare for his role as LinkedIn

— Peter Serafinowicz (@serafinowicz) October 18, 2013

nothing in the world less flattering than your phones front camera

— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) October 18, 2013

My coworker just (correctly) described Kim Kardashian’s selfie as having a lower half “like Mr. Tumnus from Narnia.”

— Pareve Hilton (@RDLevitt) October 17, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler