“Millennials Are Poor Schlubs Living On Breast Milk (Still?),” Says Underpaid Boomer Columnist Who Doesn’t Like Twitter
I have read all the articles and I have these requests:
• Stop talking about how my generation is pathetic because some of us live at home after college. The economy crashed because generations before us were greedy and irresponsible with money, not because we spent too much time as teenagers watching Internet porn. (Also, some millennials live at home after college because boomer parents are so fucking rich that kids don’t have any incentive to move into crappy apartments with 5 roommates when they can just stay at home and steal their dad’s beers and swim in their parents’ giant pools.)
• Stop only interviewing that one person who went to a fancy school and did not immediately get their dream job for these articles. Why not interview some people who aren’t living at home mostly cuz their parents’ house is nice, and who actually do present a strain to their entire family’s economic resources when they live at home? Now that’s hardship.
• Stop calling us materialistic. I work in marketing and what millennials want are sustainable products that they can feel not-evil buying. Their demands are actually making businesses change the way they operate.
• Stop worrying about when we will finally catch up. Yes we see having a McMansions as generally unattainable for our generation. But we don’t want them. That’s because we understand that America briefly created a period of unsustainable middle-class wealth by consuming resources that will now need to be shared with a growing global population. We don’t want America to continue hoarding it all cuz we can actually see what other countries think because of the Internet and it makes us feel horrible.
• Stop being upset that we believe in Christianity and American exceptionalism less than other generations did. We do not perceive blind patriotism and belief in God to be necessary traits for living a “moral” lifestyle. We will probably be more peaceful and less homophobic because of this.
• Stop saying that we all have ADD and other mental impairments because of the Internet. Yes it is an unprecedented technology but we know you are just jealous you didn’t get to spend your youth watching Downton Abbey on Netflix while Gchatting your friends and learning a marketable skill on a pirated version of Photoshop. Don’t lie.
Photo is Becky in what was once a Bloomingdale’s, which closed because it did not anticipate that the next generation only wants to shop at Forever 21 and Zara, by Neil Olstad.