Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

— blake (@Leemanish) March 23, 2013

Just watched an ad for Oil of Olay BB Cream with a pre-teen blonde waif saying it “fights 7 common signs of aging.” I’m done with America.

— Mo Perry (@MoMoPerry) March 20, 2013

DOES IT, though? RT @slate: Jon Hamm’s huge penis causes problems: ow.ly/jfE7W

— Veronica De Souza (@HeyVeronica) March 20, 2013

This piece of certified mail isn’t going to open itself! Good thing, because it’s not like I’m going to open it either.

— Choire Sicha (@Choire) March 20, 2013

Is there a Grindr for pizza yet

— Katie Zack (@katiefzack) March 20, 2013

i don’t make a sound when i ejaculate on the train to work. i cum mute.

— crispin best (@crispinbest) March 19, 2013

THIS BIO MAKES ME WET twitter.com/TEENSLUT666/st…

— ΞMiLY (@TEENSLUT666) March 19, 2013

why do most happy hours end at 7pm? who are you people who can get to a bar after work by 5pm? WHO ARE YOU

— Lindsey Weber (@lindseyweber) March 18, 2013

@xsssy I know that the Danish equivalent of “Aunt Flo is in town” roughly translates to “the Communists are in the funhouse”

— Emily Weiss (@Piefingers) March 18, 2013

People who generalize are the worst

— matt (@biorhythmist) March 18, 2013

How did anyone every convince anyone else that a sexy name for a type of underwear would be “tap pant”?

— Gillian Singletary (@GillianIsGreat) March 18, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler