10 Personal Tidbits I Considered Including in My Tangential Bio
- Once, while traveling by plane, I tried to recall how many times I’ve flown in my life. My family likes to travel. It’s a good thing I don’t have a flying phobia, I thought. Then I considered an aerophobe’s reasoning, and suddenly realized that I was in fact THOUSANDS OF MILES above ground in a steel coffin with any amount of safety shortcuts. I’ve been afraid of flying ever since.
- When a friend suggested the Puerto Rican rain forest for spring break, my first thought was, “But what about poison dart frogs?” I didn’t go.
- In third grade we had to write our first full “reports,” and could choose any subject to research. Most kids chose a celebrity or country. I chose “hedgehogs.”
- At work I remove personal information from consumer complaints. Example: “The company’s services were contracted for a party bus to be used for *** ****’s bachelorette party. The karaoke machine advertised was not on the bus and the ice and cups included in the contract were also not supplied. There was a pole on the bus for dancing, which repeatedly came loose and would fall to the floor with the person dancing with it. Also, the pole hit an innocent bystander,**** *****.”
- For a college photography class I broke into a boarded-up mansion outside of Chaska to “explore and capture the mystery of an abandoned space.” That’s actually what I told the police officer, who didn’t buy my fake tears, detained me and later chased down my friends in a nearby field. I was fingerprinted and fined $500 by the state of MN. My project got an A+. It was probably worth it.
- When new friends visit my hometown (Fargo, ND), I always talk up the local digs I plan to show them. We usually end up standing in front of the life-size wood carving of “Marge” from Fargo, the Cohen brothers’ gift to the somewhat dilapidated Fargo Theatre.
- Halloween is my favorite holiday. I plan months in advance, and scoff at anyone who doesn’t cherish the season because he/she “can’t think of a costume.” On year I dressed at Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction, complete with a replica wig, unbuttoned blouse and red marker circle over my heart. I smeared red lipstick above my lip and dipped my nose in crushed smarties to complete the cocaine overdose look. At one point I raised my touch-up bag of powered candy and hollered to fellow partiers, “Who wants to do some blow?!” Bystanders assumed I had real drugs, and nobody took me up on my offer. I considered dumping the remains it in a gold fish bowl to give the fish a treat, but thought better of it.
- One time I went out for drinks a few friends, and instead of ordering a beer or cocktail I requested as glass of milk, which I used for dunking a cookie I had in my purse.
- I have a lot to say about faux fur vs. real fur products. What side am I on? (Hint: I’m from North Dakota).
- You’ll notice other staff writers have links to Twitter and Tumblr accounts. Mine does not. When I was a freshman in college, my best friend created a Facebook page for me against my will. Breezy and I met in fourth grade, and she knows too much about me/owns a camera and actually uses it. Naturally, everyone assumed (based on accurate personal info and photos) that I had “finally” joined FB. She managed it for the first two years it was up. When I first began “checking” it myself, I responded to a friend’s wall post through my status update.
– Katya Karaz