Guys, Categorized by the Ways They Hold Their Partners in Public
The Wombcatcher. This guy stands behind his partner and goes for the full hand-clasping wraparound, like they’re posing for a pregnancy announcement card at ProEx. He believes in miracles.
The Hip-Hugger. This guy suspects that a grinding/freakdancing situation is about to take place, and he’s already grabbing his partner by the hips as if to say, “I’ve got this one!” This is the nightclub equivalent of waiting by that parking space at the mall with your blinker on while the person who’s about to leave fumbles with her keys.
The Neck-Squeezer. Not cute, just creepy. Stop that right now, please.
The Fingerer. This guy is trying to play it cool, so he just does the one-finger thing. Often it goes in one of his partner’s pockets; sometimes he and his partner link fingers in a twee version of hand-holding.
The Face-Planter. This guy is constantly facing his partner straight-on, kissing or whispering. This is because he wants to distinguish himself from the common animals who mate from behind…or maybe he’s in love, whatever.
The Foot-Rubber. If the furries can save their fetish for private gatherings, why can’t this guy?
The Defender. This guy has a partner who dislikes crowds, or maybe he’s a Marine. His job is to secure the perimeter of his partner’s personal space, ranging around and giving dirty looks to anyone who so much as comes near the portable electric fence he’s set up.
The Lap-Sitter. This guy likes to have his partner perched right on his knee. This would be an instance, however, where Daddy does not know best.
The Ass-Grabber. This guy’s the most amusing to watch, because it seems like he’s afraid that ass will get away unless he keeps a handle on it 24/7. Every time his partner shifts or moves the slightest bit, he’s back there like a goalie making sure he has a good handful of lower cheek.
The Hand-Holder. Vanilla.
Photo by Perfectance (Creative Commons)