If Recent Decades Were Talking Dolls
80s – “Dancing Cocaine Reagan”: Pull the string on his back and he’ll snort a line, enact a lower marginal tax rate, and do that awkward arm dance Courtney Cox did on stage at the Springsteen concert. Leg warmers and jelly shoes sold separately.
90s – “Smells like Frosted Tips OJ”: Complete with glow-in-the-dark glow sticks and a grudge against major record labels, Smells like Frosted Tips OJ only hops in his white Bronco to get to the nearest mosh pit or rave. Sings the theme from Friends.
2000s – “Imma Let You Finish Steve Jobs, but Kanye Accomplished the best Mission of the 2000s”: This Kanye West figurine sports blue jeans and a black mock turtleneck and will interrupt you whenever you’re about to accept praise for a personal accomplishment like, say, winning the war in Iraq. Batteries not included, but who needs batteries when you have all this power?
2010s – “Trololo Guy Occupies Friday”: Which seat can you take, trololo guy? That rich banker’s seat, that’s which. Comes with breakfast cereal and an “I am the 99%” Mad-Lib. Sound effects guaranteed to get stuck in your head worse than ANYTHING. EVER.
Act fast! CALL NOW and receive “Hipster Lieutenant Pike” – he was pepper spraying college students before it was cool. Mini can of pepper spray included, as long as you’re very nonchalant about using it.