Fool-proof Ways to Survive a Haunted House

Fool-proof Ways to Survive a Haunted House

Close your eyes. If you can’t see it, it can’t scare you, right? Make sure you’ve already established the group leader, and grip onto them for dear life.  In most cases, the scary people can’t touch you, so this is especially effective. Make sure you’ve got a good grip on your friend because they’ll be trying to get your nails out of their back.

Use when: You don’t know why you agreed to go to a haunted house because you scream and pee a little when you see a mouse.

Form an outward-facing huddle. Make sure you like the people you’re with and bunch together. Link arms and designate a view for each person to be in charge of. All of your backs are together, which means nothing can possibly infiltrate and scare the shit out of you without someone warning you first. The best places for scary things to jump out of are on your sides when you think you’ve successfully made it past an area or behind you; you might be thinking, “Duh, why wouldn’t I check behind me?” but in the heat of danger, you’re just trying to watch your step.

Use when: You want to keep your eyes open and scream a little but still keep your heart rate at a safe level and/or everyone in your group is fearing for their lives.

Scream at everything. This could also be referred to as “The Balls Out Method.” You realize that it’s scary, and that’s exactly why you’re doing it. Take the lead and encourage others to keep their distance. You want something to breathe down your neck because this experience cost you $20+. Take your time walking through, so every single monster gets a crack at you.

Use when: You bought Depends for this moment and want to crap your pants.

Flirt with the ghouls. It sounds a little weird, but it’s surprisingly soothing. This helps remind you that you’re looking a lot better than them, and they should simply fawn over you. It’s best to start cat-calling when you first sense their presence and not after they actually jump out; otherwise you’ll still be surprised. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet your true love.

Use when: You want to appear brave and alluring in front of your friends.

Laugh at everything. Think about it: these people put on tons of make-up and fake blood to try to scare you. Some of them are probably in tight-fitting body suits with their junk flopping around. It’s funny! They’re trying really, really hard, but they can’t actually saw off your arm. The best they can do is make you walk through a small space or touch something gross. Please. That’s not much worse than your bathroom.

Use when: You are way too cool for this sissy shit.

Walk really fast. Treat it like an obstacle course filled with chainsaw murderers; you’re losing if you’re taking baby steps. There’s no time for gremlins to properly scare you when you’re bookin’ it through their death lair. GTFO, man.

Use when: Training for a zombie invasion.


Heidi Thomasoni has used all of these methods.

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