Author: Heidi Thomasoni
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A Guide to Interpreting My Snapchat Selfies
Sad Face: Pay attention to me. Sad Face with hand-drawn sad faces: Why don’t you love me/Snapchat me back? Mirror Pic: I’m wearing a cute outfit, and I want you to see it. (Does this mirror make me look fat or sexy?) Close up of my mouth (open): I honestly had nothing better to…
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Girly Essay Collections to Self-Publish When I’m 30
Pussy: When Cats See Too Much Porcelain: Accomplishments, High Scores and Mental Breakdowns on the Toilet Why are you all staring at me? Did I get period on my pants? and Other Paranoid Girl Moments When Tequila Did Not Mean Fiesta: Feelings from the Stomach Sorry, I Was Drunk: Relationships I’ve Ruined via Text That…
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On Being the Alpha Female in a Man Pack
I was recently asked what my spirit animal is, to which I replied, “cat.” This is mostly true because I like sleeping and stretching and eating meat. However, it occurred to me only moments later that I should have said, “wolf.” If you are unfamiliar with the social behaviors of wolves, know that there is…
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Me and My Taylor Swift Pizza Box
Hey, Taylor Swift. Not the real Taylor Swift, but the giant face on my pizza box. You just got delivered to my door, and I can’t wait for all the fun things we are going to do together. I don’t even care about the pizza on the inside. In fact, I left the entire thing…
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The Whiny Girls’ Guide to Camping
To whine about hourly: How tired you are How cold you are How bad your hair looks How bad you smell How nice your bed would be right now How there is no one around to see your cute outfit How thirsty/hungry you are How badly you want a hot shower To whine about 2-3…
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How to Make Love to Your Lifeguard
Approach your lifeguard* from the front while simultaneously scoping out the scene for safety and places to comfortably make love. Introduce yourself as a trained professional and ask for consent. When consent is given, clear spectators or move your lifeguard to a safer location. Begin by doing a preliminary assessment of your lifeguard’s breathing and…
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Fill-in-the-Blank Science Report
Introduction: For my science project, I tested [something cheap and easy to obtain but also pretty hazardous] on [some sort of living organism that you won’t get in trouble for torturing and/or killing] to see if [living thing] would [logical result of applying hazardous material to a living thing]. Hypothesis: [Hazardous material] will stunt the…
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Hobbies I’ve Acquired for Boys
Baseball Outcome: I went to every baseball game my crush played, and he had no idea how extensive my knowledge was of his statistics. In fact, he had no idea who I was. What I really like: Sporting events where I can eat hot dogs and drink beer and not really pay attention to what’s…
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Nicholas Sparks Movies Make Me Hate My Life
I saw that new Nicholas Sparks movie last night after drooling over the trailer for about a month. If you’re unaware of it, it’s called, “The Lucky One,” and it features a beefy Zac Efron as the world’s most perfect man. (I, too, wonder where all his muscles came from.) While watching the movie, I kept…
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Please Take More Photos of Me Looking Young and Carefree
Dear Friends and Family, As you may know, Beyonce’s tumblr went live with loads of photos of her personal life. This is particularly interesting because I like to compare myself to Beyonce. However, it has come to my attention that my online persona is not nearly as artsy as hers. Because of this, I have…
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If You Stare at Your Cat
If you stare at your cat, you might start to think she looks like a little person covered in fur. The longer you stare, the more you might see a striking resemblance to Kylie Minogue or Joan Rivers. After that, you might start wondering if your cat has any ambitions. You might briefly consider your…
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Pinterest Boards that Capture my True Essence
-What I Want my Boyfriend to Wear Instead of Flannel -Things I Tell People I “Absolutely Love” so They’ll Like Me -For My Future, Organically-raised Children that Probably Love Vegetables and Mozart -For the House I Will Never Afford -Places I Want to Have Sex with a Hunky Man -Ideas for my Wedding to Ryan…