1. “Total Transparency” is both “hot” and “new.” The suggested way to wear this transparent sheet dress is with only boy short bottoms underneath, in a backbend, on the beach, at night.

2. When it comes to skirts, your possibilities are endless. It’s still OK to wear an ice skater skirt and a bandeau, but the girls who are actually secure in their figures are wearing large pleated curtains that go down to their feet.

3. Compliment this skirt with one of these facial expressions:

-Hurry up, photographer, I need to go to a casting call for the next Diablo Cody production.
-People ask me if I’m on Valium a lot and I’m not.
-Why does the photographer keep shouting, “Now do ‘Daddy Issues’ at me?”
-This is worse than when I sucked Terry Richardson’s dick.
-Is that an X-ray machine?

4. Finally! “Classic Girl” is in. I was sick of trying to look like one of the Jetsons forced to eat Hoodia out of a space bag. Find your “timeless beauty” by wearing nude-colored, belly-baring halter tops, oversized polo shirts and a lack of makeup and deodorant that says, “I’m not really this preppy. I just got out of rehab and they threw these clothes at me and give me a cigarette now.”

5. Guess what is else is in!? Crop tops! If you’re a little fat, just wear their jean shorts, which go up past your belly button. No muffin top in sight! If the tops of your thighs are fat, just wear their tall socks/legwarmers/translucent table sheets over them. Surround yourself with crop-topped friends for max sex appeal.

6. You hadn’t thought, until now, that your head really came into the equation outside of wearing non-prescription spectacles, but get ready to be rocked. Hats! Hats are IN, floppy ones too. Also, there are large bows you can put on the top of your head, but that’s just a trick to make twee bitches show what twee bitches they are.

Happy being-sexy-ing!

–Becky Lang