1. Fix yourself a drink. Two parts whiskey, one part Coke, the rest ice. This is not a time for a fancy cocktail. Your teen daughter is completely addicted to sex, after all! You need something strong.

2. Walk into your teen daughter’s room, drink in hand. It is truly a den of sexual deviance, isn’t it? When did she get that candy dispenser full of Plan B? Why is the student body president duct-taped to her old hat rack, naked? Don’t make eye contact. Hope that the banana peels in her garbage are there because she needed extra potassium.

3. Go to your computer and Google “sex addiction.” Find a website where a person – a boy, who looks about 14 – is turned away from the camera, facing a horizon with his hands up toward the sky, as if he is embracing Jesus or at least holding up a large photo backdrop against a wall. You find this comforting. Purchase a poster copy for your teen daughter and for yourself. Tick the box that requests the inspirational phrase “Truth Through Purity” be printed at the bottom.

4. Do laundry and feel fulfilled. Wonder when your wife’s underwear got so large. Your zen-like routine of folding socks is doing the trick. You are in control. Your teen? Well, she’ll get it out of her system. Everyone’s a bit crazy while they’re young! Thump. Thump. What’s that noise? Oh, it’s your teen. Peer out the window and notice that the lacrosse team’s traveling bus is outside. This is not good.

5. Segue off a cliff. Your out-of-control teen daughter is completely addicted to sex. It has ruined your life.

–Becky Lang