I was attending night classes for my associate’s in business in Sioux Falls. But fuck that. Now, thanks to the Internet, and a self-hating suburban class, I am a Farmer-Blogger.

I can stay at home, help dad on our 900-head-of-cattle dairy farm , and use WordPress to blog all my crazy run-ins with errant udders/opinions on the importance of Big Ag/beliefs about “city people” getting back to their farming roots.

I am a Farmer-Blogger. And I am the backbone of America. I am sponsored by Cargill.

Last Friday my new calf Bessie got loose. She stomped on our helper (a Mexican man who we just call “Jose”). Jose got the curry comb he had in his back pocket shoved up his ass. Jose earned his $3.75/hour that day!

I am a Farmer-Blogger. I do not apologize for wearing shit-stained overalls by day and fabulous evening gowns by night when I go into town to catch a movie/dinner at Perkins/takes shots of Wild Turkey at a “club.” I am a Farmer-Blogger. I am a Real Feminist.

Two weeks ago a woman from the local Co-Op run by bearded hippies in Sioux Falls came out to our farm to protest how we pump steroids into our cows. She hoisted up a sign that read “Protect My Children’s Milk.” Huh? If she only knew. Steroids are good for cows. Haven’t you seen the #s Barry Bonds put up? Duh. So we just turned the manure sprayer on her and chased her back into her Prius.

I am a Farmer-Blogger. I host about 18,000 hits per day. The video I posted of my sister’s wedding outside our barn, in which the bride and groom rode in on reluctant mules, got mentioned on the Today Show. I am a Farmer-Blogger. My brand is nostalgia-meets-delusion-meets-Sarah Palin.

Today’s post shows me milking the cows, helping deliver a litter of puppies from old Scout, baking a cake for the neighbor boy who just got his arm whipped off by an auger, and then going on a date with my high school sweetheart to a Miranda Lambert concert. Afterwards, we sat under the stars, and I let him steal my virginity.

I am a Farmer-Blogger. I will tell everything. I will get a cook book deal, a national tour of shopping malls, a short-lived but highly-publicized television show on E!, and a sponsorship deal with a Pro-Life organization. I am a Farmer-Blogger. I will never apologize for grabbing life by the horns/udder/etc…

I am a Farmer-Blogger. Please like me on Facebook.

~Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy BrentDPayne