Chuckie Finster, Rugrats: Chuckie first got drunk when he was nineteen, alone in his basement, after stumbling upon the key to his dad’s liquor cabinet. He called Susie Carmichael and begged her to come over and let him feel her boobs, and then started to cry. He’s pretty sure he first had sex after his dorm floor’s weekly board games night, but he still has to Google “premature ejaculation” to be sure.

Beebe Bluff, Doug: Beebe gave a handjob to Monroe Yodler of The Beets backstage after their big show at the Bluffington Performing Arts Center. It quickly became her favorite story to tell at parties whenever “Killer Tofu” came up on shuffle. She leaves out the part where she foolishly tried to prove to Yodler that she was eighteen by reciting all the states in alphabetical order and only made it through Arizona. She is still trying to work out how to include the phrase “Beet off” in the title to her upcoming tell-all blog post.

Phil and Lil DeVille, Rugrats: Phil and Lil can’t make eye contact anymore after Lil walked in on Phil, wearing her hair bow, bent over the back of the chair playing bottom to some guy in a Reptar costume’s top. She went home and burned all of her childhood Reptar memorabilia, including her VHS copy of Reptar on Ice, and has refused to look at herself naked ever since.

Really Really Big Man, Rocko’s Modern Life: RRBM’s career as an extremely large and extremely strong super hero was cut short when he commanded an undercover police officer to “gaze into my nipples of the future!” He’s now listed in the national registry of sex offenders and works as a cart wrangler at Home Depot. He has to call his sex addiction sponsor Mr. Bighead whenever he gets an erection.

Patty Mayonnaise, Doug: Patty died a virgin. She O.D.’ed on diet pills after spending her last day on earth obsessively jump-roping and placing high-top sneakers in a cart on Urbanoutfitters.com, which she knew she could not afford to fully “check out.”

Helga, Hey Arnold!: Helga’s sex life picked up a lot after she discovered the art of the brow wax at age 14. That year alone, at least six 9th-graders touched her boobs. She peaked at 16, when her wiry frame, tamed brow and incessant pigtails made her look like an America’s Next Top Model reject. The boy’s name was Dan, and it was in the back of a Subaru, while Five for Fighting played on repeat. She is now a lesbian, but she still thinks of Arnold … at times.

Rocko, Rocko’s Modern Life: Rocko is currently in therapy for his mop fetish. He also slept with his therapist’s wife after several factors led him to be suspicious that the therapist himself was having an affair with his mop. He’s been thinking about bringing a vacuum into the bedroom, but worries about what mop will think.

Ren & Stimpy, Ren & Stimpy: Recently the two embarked on a hetero domestic partnership, and they live in a house that will be condemned by the city in four months. They don’t have much sex, but sometimes they masturbate on the couch together after a few bong hits while watching Girls Next Door.

–Katie Sisneros and Becky Lang