Tom Riddle
Pros:
SMOKIN’ hot
Loves anagrams

Cons:
Murderer
Keeps a diary
Tries to kill little girls
Hangs out in dungeons

Hermione
Pros:
Looks so sexy in Burberry
Can rock a pixie cut wut wut
Has bad ass time travel watch

Cons:
Know-it-all alert!
Bet that hair gets gross in the rain
Turned herself into a cat-human once, embarrassing!

Draco Malfoy
Pros:
Kinda looks like Macaulay Caulkin
Heroin chic
Rich

Cons:
Has that “weak immune system” look
Evil
Spoiled
Gross Crabbe and Goyle hanging around all the time

Luna Lovegood
Pros:
Insufferably nice
Probably has access to psychedelic drugs
Dad’s in the social media industry
Probably likes to do freaky deeky stuff

Cons:
Total space cadet
Got herself kidnapped
Kinda feels like an old lady in a young girl’s body
Sometimes you think she’s blind cuz she just stares aimlessly

Ginny Weasley
Pros:
The only really hot member of the Weasley family
Cute freckles
Her name makes you think she likes to party with gin

Cons:
Reads other people’s diaries
Got herself kidnapped
Can never find that fucking jumper

Cedric Diggory
Pros:
Got into the Tri-Wizard Tournament without cheating (ahem, Harry Potter)
Also a vampire Edward Cullen wut wut
Good with a broom

Cons:
Also Edward Cullen :/
Killed by one measly Avada Kedavra curse

Bellatrix Lestrange
Pros:
She’s a grown woman amongst girls. Yeah, we said it.
She’s a woman in power
Tim Burton-Approved

Cons:
Her name kinda makes her sound whorey (turning TRIX?)
She likes evil and killing

Severus Snape
Pros:
Knows a thing or two about mixing a potent brew
Is cool in “Galaxy Quest”

Cons:
Secretly in love with your mom
HUGE asshat
TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR

Harry’s Cousin Dudley
Pros:
His parents love him a lot
He doesn’t live under the stairs

Cons:
Spoiled
Chub Chub

Hagrid
Pros:
Hairy beast of a man
Animal lover
Has pet dragon sometimes
Plant whisperer

Cons:
Cesspool of repressed emotions
Has probably never washed that coat

Ron Weasley
Pros:
Seems more straight than Harry Potter
Would probably watch “Jersey Shore” with you

Cons:
That dumb rat’s around all the time
Serious bouts of PMS
Passive-aggressive toward women

Harry Potter
Pros:
He’s totes famous
Good with wand
Has a cool owl
Can talk to snakes, know what I mean?
Lives under the stairs
Sexy scar

Cons:
Dobby might interrupt your hot sex
Throngs of female fans as “The Chosen One”
Has invisibility cloak so he could spy on you while you’re tanning or buying tampons or out cheating

–Katie Sisneros and Becky Lang