Outcome: I went to every baseball game my crush played, and he had no idea how extensive my knowledge was of his statistics. In fact, he had no idea who I was.
What I really like: Sporting events where I can eat hot dogs and drink beer and not really pay attention to what’s going on.
Outcome: I got really good at “capture the flag” and soon realized a relationship doesn’t involve separate televisions in different rooms of the house. I also had a creepy fan following on the Red vs. Blue community, which involved many photoshop “gifts” being sent to me.*
What I really like: Video games where I don’t have to compete with people or shoot things. Specifically, karaoke or dance video games.
Outcome: Once I got good enough at it, boys would invite me along to take road trips to skating locations. Then they talked about hot chicks with me. None of the “hot chicks” were also skateboarders, which meant I totally screwed up. I abandoned this hobby after a freak kick-flip accident gave me a forehead scar that looked like a unibrow.
What I really like: Sports that have a small risk of scabs and bruises.
Outcome: My high school boyfriend would quiz me on song titles and artists when we listened to the radio. I developed a strange obsession with The Steve Miller Band and we slow-danced to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Freebird” at junior prom.
What I really like: Music that is good for one or all of the following: singing along, dancing, making out.
Outcome: Because the boy I liked was really good at “cubing,” he needed me to be good at it, too, so I wouldn’t feel ignored when he did it 20 hours a day. I competed in the World Championships of speedcubing and saw how nerdy I had become. I broke up with the boy and the hobby.
What I really like: When people don’t know I can solve a Rubik’s cube, so I can make money from it.
Outcome: I learned to play the intro to “Stairway to Heaven” and my boyfriend told me how bad it sounded and tried to do it better.
What I really like: When I’m the only one in a relationship who can play guitar.
Outcome: I really enjoyed it and got to spend loads of time with the boy I was crushing on. We stayed up really late once and kissed on a couch during infomercials. It was the worst kiss of my life, so I became “too busy” for rock climbing after that.
What I really like: Activities that don’t leave my hands calloused and feeling dry and dirty because I spend way too much money on moisturizer.
Outcome: My college boyfriend wanted to drink every weekend. I got a little pudgy and my liver started hating me. When we would drink, he would tell me about all the hot sex he had with other girls before me. I later found out he was usually only pretend drunk.
What I really like: Beer and shy boys.
Outcome: Running sucks 70% of the time but really cute/smart/sensitive boys are runners.
What I really like: Running.
-Heidi Thomasoni has learned a few things in life.
*Photo above was sent to me by a nerd who had a Teletubby fetish.