How Rick Santorum Celebrates International Women’s Day
8 a.m.: Wakes up and looks down between his legs, double checking that he has a peen and not a vagine. Phew. Says one Hail Mary for looking at his peen.
8:15 a.m.: Asks wife to make him a an egg sandwich, ketchup, one slice of pepperjack, don’t burn the bread please.
10 a.m.: Looks at his daughter’s American Girl Doll, Kit. She is so pure and Scandinavian. Feels fatherly instinct. Tries putting an Aspirin between her knees and sees that it doesn’t fit. Peers at her blank doll vagine and pictures his daughter growing up to have sex. Says one Hail Mary cuz that’s probably a sin.
3 p.m.: Goes on TV and says stuff about women and black people.
5 p.m.: Vomits out of disgust after thinking about JFK for ~3 minutes.
6 p.m.: Eats his wife’s favorite recipe of steak and asparagus. Glares at his wife for having a glass of wine.
8 p.m.: Goes downstairs to play with his childhood train set. Rubs his genitals innocently on the side until he “accidentally” makes “goo.” His wife walks in to do laundry and sees and they both go on with their night.