Two slabs of beef served with our Signature Cheese Goo. Paint Signature Cheese Goo onto the slabs of beef with your complimentary Hannah Montana doll; utilize Hannah’s hair in the task of applying and spreading your cheese goo paint. Consume beef slabs. Suck cheese goo from Hannah Montana hair.

One baked Chicken breast formed into the shape of the Hamburgler. Served with baked chicken fries on the side, and four dollops of sour cream that’s dyed yellow and red.

One plain yogurt topped with raspberries that have been compressed and shaped into Disney figures. Do not eat more than three of the Disney figure raspberries.

A 1 pound cube of Parmesan cheese carved into Ronald McDonald.

The memory of a french fry, dipped in ranch dressing. (Just dip your finger in ranch dressing.)

A happy rib. (This is a McRib made of actual pork ribs, a real meat. It has not been deboned or constructed from several meats/other food products, and it contains Real Animal BonesTM. It is baked with McDonald’s signature dry rub, which is actually just salt.)

A head of ice berg lettuce that has a smile stamped on it.

A quart of whiskey, served with a limited edition Golden Arches crazy straw.

—Jason Zabel