Babies crying on airplanes are right at the top of the clichéd gripes list somewhere alongside men leaving the toilet seat up and the lack of hardcore pornography set during the Civil War.  I would feel like kind of a hack writing on this topic, were this not happening to me RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. The kids behind me sound like the golden egg from Goblet of Fire that shrieks horribly unless you hold it under water, except I’m pretty sure the egg didn’t shit itself and holding these kids underwater would only cause more problems in the long run. So the fact that I’m being forced to listen to a screamed duet from two of God’s most precious gifts means that I’m not going to feel bad treading over some already well traveled territory.

So in an effort to allay some of my baser violent desires, I’ve come up with some common sense solutions to a problem every traveler has experienced at one time or another:

1.  Don’t have kids. Simple, I know, but you’d be amazed how many people fuck this one up.  Aside from the people who plan their pregnancies (to this day my parents are the only people I know who claimed to do this), if you want to travel, go to nice restaurants, and have a social life for the next few years then don’t get pregnant.  If you do get pregnant do yourself a favor and call in a witch favor with creepy octopus lady Ursula, and make damn sure your kid doesn’t get a hold of that fucking conch necklace ever again.

2.  Drive. I’m not saying you can’t take your child on an airplane while it’s still in its crying years.  All I’m saying is that you should wait until it’s old enough to use logic on.  Here’s how to test whether your child is mature enough for air travel: wait until your child starts crying then say, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll never buy you LEGOs again.”  If it stops crying you can book your flight tomorrow.

Besides, driving is not so bad.  Babies have a way easier time sleeping in cars than on planes and who better to surround your child with than its family who love it unconditionally?  Do you really want your child to travel in the middle of 75 pissed off strangers who want to take the little bundle of demon shrieks and shit-fumes and duct-tape it to the wing?

3.  Duct-tape it to the wing. Look, I’m not saying it’s the best solution but it is a solution.

4.   Special sections for young children on the plane. Simple and pragmatic, nobody gets annoyed and everybody can still fly.  For this solution you have one section of the plane for those travelers who aren’t going to scream incessantly – we’ll call this section “the cabin” – and another section for young children, which we can refer to as “the cargo-hold.”  This is really a win-win scenario. It’s a win for adult travelers and a win for the cash-strapped airlines who can free up more cabin room by cramming children in the belly of the plane like luggage.

5.   Free drink surcharge. This is more of a band-aid than a cure but at this point I’ll take it.  For every ten minutes your child cries you are required to buy any travelers within earshot an overpriced alcoholic beverage.  The flight might still be annoying but it would help, and seeing as how I’ve already bought 28 dollars worth of Jack Daniels trying to drown out your kids’ screaming, YOU FUCKING OWE ME!

6.  Flat rate baby boxes from the USPS. Just make sure you ship the baby to your final destination 5-10 business days in advance of your trip and I don’t see there being any trouble with this one.

7.  You can fly with your baby guilt-free. That is, you can fly guilt-free on one condition, I GET TO PUNCH YOUR BABY IN THE FACE.

–Chris Bastedo is tired of these motherfucking babies on this motherfucking plane.