Dear Mr. Khan,
Thank you for choosing CenterPoint as your Minneapolis/St. Paul area energy provider. We are committed to providing you with the highest quality service available, at a nationally competitive rate. We at CenterPoint Energy take environmental concerns very seriously, and are proud when our loyal customers go above and beyond to help conserve our precious natural resources.
It has recently come to our attention that you have made enormous strides in reducing carbon emissions. Through the senseless slaughter of over forty million people as you rampaged through their lands and raped their women, you have reduced atmospheric carbon by around 700 million tons. While some may argue that your energy-saving efforts were extreme – and decry your predilection for beheading, impaling, dismembering, disemboweling, defenestrating, and roof burning – as your energy company we applaud your gusto. We feel your tireless feat should not go unrewarded.
To express our gratitude for your monumental efforts, CenterPoint Energy would like to deduct 50% off your next bill – you will pay for only half the therms you consume, which could add up to upwards of $50 in savings! This change will be reflected in next month’s billing cycle. Included also in this package is a complimentary CenterPoint Energy tote bag and thermos as further gesture of our appreciation.
We understand that marauding is a difficult lifestyle. The Ottomans and Vikings, for example, had a negligible positive impact on the environment, despite their best efforts to kill as many innocent indigenous peoples as possible. We credit your success not only to your tenacity and drive to succeed, but also to the fact that you largely avoided invading Christian lands – a wise tactical decision, because the Christian God rarely if ever lets anybody down.
Thank you again, on behalf of all of us at CenterPoint Energy, for your conservation efforts. We are proud to call ourselves your energy provider. If you are interested in furthering your efforts by switching to paperless billing, please contact our administrative offices at 612-372-4727.
David M. McClanahan
CEO, CenterPoint Energy