We are pleased to announce that today at Happy Hour, Mayor Roy D. Buol will cut the ribbon to officially open Tangential Town, our new theme park in Dubuque, Iowa. Inside the gates of Tangential Town, you will behold wonders beyond number, mostly because you’ll be too high on life to keep count of anything. Here’s a rundown of the basic facts about Tangential Town.

Hours: 24/7. We reserve the right to occasionally close the park without warning, but we promise that when the park reopens, it will include new tools for sharing your Tangential Town experience on Facebook without having to leave the park.

Cost: Free, because we’re exhibitionists.

Attractions: Numerous, including…

• The Oversharing Log Ride. This ride will resemble a conventional log ride, but at the point where you would normally careen physically down a steep slope, your log will instead appear before a large audience, and you will shout out an embarrassing fact about your sexual history. Please remain seated at all times.

• Four Loko Bootleggers of the Caribbean. They’re not animatronic, they’re just wasted on bootleg Four Loko!

• The Ironic Roller Coaster. This ride will resemble a conventional roller coaster, but the cars will not move. The ride will last four minutes and 33 seconds. Please keep your hands in the car.

• Buzz Band Petting Zoo. Heavy petting is allowed with Alice Glass, but not with Snacks the Cat.

• Uptown Bumper Cars. These will resemble conventional bumper cars, but all cars must begin and end in a parallel-parked position. If the ride ends and you haven’t found a parking space, you have to drive the car to Ames. NOTE: Winter parking restrictions are currently in effect.

• Coke Zero Water Park. Do you like water slides? You’ll love our Coke Zero slide, which climaxes with an exciting splash into a pool of ice-cold, carbonated, caffeinated beverage. It’s sugar-free, so your swimsuit won’t stick to your skin afterwards! On Tuesday nights during the months of May, June, and July, members of Das Racist are available for chicken fights in our Coke Zero pool.

• Rollerblading Rink. For your safety, we require that all guests at the Tangential Town Rollerblading Rink wear helmets, pads, and homemade t-shirts with the name and logo of a Rollerblading guild you just made up.

Food: Many delicious and affordable dining options for the whole family, including…

• Bloody Mary Condiment Café. Make a delicious lunch of Bloody Mary condiments, without the inconvenience of being drunk afterwards. Fill your pint glass with olives, artichoke hearts, pepperoni slices, and celery sticks. Yum! NOTE: Lunch price includes only one visit to the condiment bar, but if you saunter over like you’re just going to get a slice of lime for your water and then grab a handful of cheese cubes while you’re there, we probably won’t notice.

• Taco Bell Drive-Thru. Like real-world Taco Bells are during the hours when you most crave Taco Bell, our Taco Bell is drive-thru only…and no, you can’t walk thru the drive-thru. Cars are available for short-term rental.

• Crazy Core Skittles Grill. Our equivalent of the Jucy Lucy is a burger-size Crazy Core Skittle, grilled on both sides until it’s almost—but not quite—melting into the grill. Then we take that giant, hot Skittle and put it on a sesame bun. Careful! That Crazy Core will squirt right out at you when you take your first bite.

Entertainment: Is there ever! Live performances take place all day and all night at venues including…

• Karaoke Kantina. All your favorite ABBA songs—en español.

• Name-Drop Theatre. In this classic Victorian-style theatre, the Name-Dropping Song is played without end. Buy the name-dropper a drink, and he’ll drop your name! Otherwise, he’ll just go through the phone book.

• Katie’s iPod Pavilion. You like the Decemberists, right? RIGHT?!

Once you’ve arrived at Tangential Town, you’ll never want to leave. In fact, you’ll never want to do anything again, ever.

– Jay Gabler