This is a sliding scale depending on how much your car is worth.

$50,000+: Ok, your car alarm can go off for awhile. I get it. Your car is worth 2x the national average student loan debt ($24,000). Your burglar could send two of his burgling kids to college on what he might make selling your car off. Let’s let that beep until it’s rightful owner can save it. (Unless it’s more than half-an-hour, then fuck you).

$26,000+: Your car seems pretty new, like you probably saved up your money to buy it over the course of 3 Christmas bonuses. You deserve at least 25 minutes of your neighbors’ kind patience with that alarm should any mean car thief happen to touch it (or any random person deign to put their Chinese takeout on top of it for a minute).

$15,000: Ok, I get why you have a car alarm. You’d be screwed if your car got stolen. Wouldn’t we all. But can’t you program your car to just send you a text message somehow? It’s not quite beautiful enough for us to deal with an alarm that goes off endlessly.

$5,000: Why can’t car alarms just be programmed to go off after 2 minutes? Isn’t that enough time to scare away any car burglar? Sitting next to a beeping car, rubbing your hands together is embarrassing enough to make anyone skedaddle after 2 minutes, right? Why does it have to go off indefinitely? After 4 minutes, 3 of your neighbors have woken up from what was probably a really nice dream. After 9, someone’s latent mental illness has been triggered. Is your car worth ruining someone’s mental health? No.

Generally, if your car alarm goes off for more than half an hour, YOU are the real plague on society.

–Becky Lang was just woken up by a car alarm