30 Cliché Things to Do Before You’re 30
Age one: Cry over spilt milk (literally)
Age two: Sport diaper jeans
Age three: Frequently conjugate verbs wrong to make grown-ups laugh. Oh you “satted” on dog poop!? Precious.
Age four: Discover princesses and decide they’re “your thing.”
Age five: Put off learning to read for another year to remain in the bliss of ignorance.
Age six: Write your B’s backward cuz you don’t give a fuck
Age seven: Lose a front tooth and brag about it, soak in attention
Age eight: Get a cootie shot
Age nine: Declare cursive writing obsolete
Age ten: Secretly shave a part of yourself that’s getting weirdly hairy
Age eleven: Tell your parents that you know Santa is not real, you’ve just been exploiting the idea for extra gifts
Age twelve: Bleed down there or watch porn
Age thirteen: Feel strangely attracted to a teacher
Age fourteen: Buy a thong for your own specific purposes and hide it
Age fifteen: Get a head start on hating rap rock
Age sixteen: Develop a theory about cutting and why people do it
Age seventeen: Lose your virginity after prom while drunk on Sutter wine
Age eighteen: Drink a glass of vodka
Age nineteen: Lose a grandparent and contemplate death while your sig. other listens to Nirvana (they’re into them again right now)
Age twenty: Pick a country where you want to study abroad. Australia? France? The world is yours.
Age twenty-one: Barf in someone’s car on Ladies’ Night
Age twenty-two: Backpack through Europe with a friend who thought your idea to take a spirit walk through Spain was ‘too extreme’
Age twenty-three: Reassure your parents that no one works 9-5 anymore
Age twenty-four: Judge a friend for having a “financial advisor”
Age twenty-five: Consider your Pinterest board, which is completely free of wedding stuff, a jewel of your independence
Age twenty-six: Get a financial advisor
Age twenty-seven: Get married barefoot
Age twenty-eight: Observe that all female TV characters are freezing their eggs. Look up how much it costs while telling your sig. other you are Googling homeless dogs
Age twenty-nine: Skydive
Age thirty: Go back to grad school