Buddy—You may know him as Boo’s lackadaisical (read: unimportant) sidekick. But he (deservedly) gets no love. He’ll flip, twist, chase after candy bones, but he tries too hard. You stink, Buddy.

Off-Brand Peanut Butter—As a kid, I was sensitive to my parents’ teacher’s salary and would climb onto jungle gym and denounce anyone who made fun of Flavorite cereal, Target-brand gym shoes, or only had basic cable. But, even I knew off-brand peanut butter was just shit. It should be fed to Buddy.

King George III—What a dick, yo? Like ever since that grade school civics course, I’ve been hating on the Alien & Sedition Act and this muthafucker. Taxation without representation? No redress of grievances? And he didn’t even get a song homage in the 1960s British Invasion?! The Tea Party and I stand in solidarity here: King George can eat a fat one.

Environmentally-Friendly Paper Towels—they just don’t work. Give me the swifter-picker-upper with the flannel-clad Adonis on the packaging. It might clear a northern Wisconsin forest, BUT, sayonara Taco Bell sauce packet-spillage.

Whoever Told Herman Cain to Stop Running for Office—Ok, ok, ok, I don’t agree politically with Herman Cain. But boy do I agree aesthetically. That man was a walking, unintentional Andy Warhol happening. DID YOU SEE THE PART ABOUT HIM QUOTING POKEMON? And he includes a reference to fixing a hamburger griller in a suburban Minnesotan Burger King in his book under the chapter about leadership. I loved that beautiful time in recent U.S. history when the country could generally agree upon not taking the Republican candidates seriously.

Indoor Baseball—This just sounds like something the Soviet Union would invent at the height of the Cold War to scare Americans into buying more dry goods.

John Edwards—Whatever he may or may not have done for folks in the past, this dude is kinda a skeez. Cheated on his wife, who then died of cancer, and fathered a child with a truckstop floosy. Plus, his hair never moves. Yuck.

Birth Control Haters—Seriously, you may walk a nice picket line outside the county’s Planned Parenthood, but let’s see what’s in your wallet, eh? To paraphrase the esteemed senior senator from Arizona, don’t take this fact to be entirely factual, but like 99% of Americans just skip past your Facebook rants.

Sepia-toned Photographs—Lest your taking old-timey shots at a saloon or memorializing a fallen comrade in a beer pong tournament, this is about the saddest, emo-bastard filter around. Stick to “Rise.”

Everything Weezer Has Done Since Pinkerton—We should bring back the Alien & Sedition Act purely to preemptively stop Rivers Cuomo from ever again making another record. Unless he sings about returning to our roots as a constitutional democracy and denouncing the ills of big government. Then keep him around, so he can go on a bus-tour featuring Herman Cain performing tricks with that good-for-nothing Buddy.

–Chris Vondracek

Photos courtesy stopnlook, Mike Licht, Notion’s Capital.com, nimbu, manymeez, jules minus, marcn, LaBellaVida