Dad – A Chronology of the Parts of My Childhood I’d Like to Apologize For
Age 4: I am sorry that I insisted that the family eat almost exclusively at McDonald’s just so I could collect every single miniature Barbie figurine, and that when we did not eat at McDonald’s, I made you go in and offer to pay the cashier $1 for the Barbie of the day.
Age 6 – 18: I am sorry that every time you said the affectionate phrase, “Anything for you,” I would respond with, “How bout 20 bucks?”
Age 7-9: I’m sorry that I was constantly drawing you layouts for my dream tree house, and then actually pestered you into making a giant 2-story shed with a porch that I probably could have spent more time appreciating.
Age 10: I’m sorry that when we got a computer, I would stand over your shoulder every time I wanted you to get off of it so I could play Ski Free. I genuinely could not comprehend what the phrase “You’re making me nervous” meant.
Age 12-18: I’m sorry for torrenting a shitload of music on our home computer.
Age 14: I’m sorry that when you one day decided you might want to get a guitar, I responded with, “That can be your mid-life crisis!”
Age 17: I’m sorry that whenever I drove your minivan I would leave it with as little gas as possible rather than just get gas.