Shawn’s mom: I don’t remember much about her, but she pretty much let us get away with anything—including almost being abducted from the 7-11 across the street from Shawn’s house, but that wasn’t really her fault, exactly. Isn’t six old enough to be allowed to go across the street to the 7-11 by yourselves? Grade: B.

Megan’s mom: Called my mom when Megan told her that I’d changed out of my school uniform in front of her and let her see me in my underwear—which I’d obviously done deliberately, since I had a crush on Megan and decided to woo her with a little peek at my Big-Wheel-toned ass in tightie whities. My mom had to sit me down and tell me I was getting too old to let girls see me in my underwear. Grade: D.

Nathan’s mom: Put ketchup on our mac and cheese without even asking. Grade: F.

Josie’s mom: Encouraged us to play with the family’s 8mm projector and watch Magical Mystery Tour. Grade: A.

Ben and Chris’s mom: Too uptight to ever take her VHS copy of Purple Rain out of its shrink-wrap, but funky enough to play “Wanna Be Startin’ Something” and encourage us all to breakdance. Said TAY-co instead of TAH-co, but this was Duluth, Minnesota, so you have to make allowances for that. Years later, went on Regis and Kathie Lee for a complete makeover after Ben submitted a video of her getting her butt-length hair caught in the northwoods pine trees. Grade: A-.

Darrell’s mom: Was our family physician. Told me that she was going to count to ten and then stick the needle in my ass. Only counted to three. My mom said the whole waiting room could hear me scream. Grade: F.

Stephanie’s mom: Provided my first demonstration that one could be a functioning adult and sleep ’til noon. Was possibly alcoholic, but I appreciated her chill attitude. Grade: A-.

Kristian’s mom: Presented me with my first-ever poached egg, in its own little cup. So fucking cool. Grade: A.

Pat’s mom: Wouldn’t even let children set foot in her white-carpeted living room. On the last night before sixth grade ended and my family moved out of town, I threw up—more or less intentionally—on the shag carpeting in her study. She said it was no problem, but her teeth were gritted when she said it. Grade: D-.

Kevin’s mom: Drove us through snowstorms to play mini golf at the indoor mini golf place, and sent me cookies when I went away to college. Grade: A.

– Jay Gabler

Photo by Bo Nash (Creative Commons)