What the Amount of Coffee You Drink Every Day Says About You

What the Amount of Coffee You Drink Every Day Says About You

None because you don’t like the taste – You probably talk in a baby voice.

None because you used to be addicted but have quit – You have had an unpleasant reminder of your mortality and are looking for anything to clutch onto to feel like you’re “in control.”

1 cup – You like coffee cuz you’re not a morning person but have too sensitive a digestive system to drink coffee all day.

2 cups – You have some kind of practiced routine that may or may not involve a french press and looking out your window.

3 cups – You are convinced that coffee makes you “more productive” and like to give the sense to those around you that you are “on the go.”

4 cups – You have insomnia and use alcohol or pills to get to sleep but that’s ok cuz you like to keep your body “on manual.”

5 cups – You always joke that you “don’t eat, you just drink coffee.” You probably smoke all the time too, and are a slave to an idealized version of whatever career/personal brand you are pursuing.

6 cups – You go #1 and #2 a lot.

Not sure cuz you mostly get seasonal coffees at Starbucks/Caribou – You perpetually need to lose 5 pounds.

You mostly drink cappuccinos/macchiatos/doppios and don’t count how many – You are Italian or else you are copying an Italian person in your mind.

You just drink straight espresso all day – You are either a rich person who has to work insane hours to stay so rich (and support that fancy machine in your home office) or else you work at a coffee shop and you are always hungover.

Becky Lang has been all over this map

Photo featuring Jay Gabler