Lines from Mel Brooks’s Rejected Script for “Pitchfork: The Movie”

Lines from Mel Brooks’s Rejected Script for “Pitchfork: The Movie”

“I wouldn’t give her any coolpoints, but I’d sure like to get my hands on ’em!”

“Bo Derek just got some work done, and she wants to know if we’ll rate her reissue.”

“Oy vey! Thom Yorke just read the review, and he’s as mad as a fresser fed bupkes!”

“Things were getting hot and heavy in the VIP tent with Zola Jesus, but I’ve got this thing where when demand surges, my server goes down.”

“Whose idea was it to take Ariel Pink out for chili? By the time we got to the airport, even the ironic Jesus figure on my dashboard was holding his nose.”

“When does that ‘Springtime for Stereogum’ video premiere?”

“The sound blew at the Blue Stage?” “The Blue blew?” “That blows.” “What blows?” “That the Blue blew!” “The Blue blew?” “Yeah, the music blew and then the sound blew.” “So the Blue blew until the Blue fuse blew?” “What?”

“We’re gonna monetize faster than my aunt Lottie in a dive bar!”

“Kanye’s new album is too good for just a 10. I’m taking this review to…LUDICROUS SCORE!”

“Relevance: if you’ve got it, flaunt it, baby, flaunt it!”

Jay Gabler