Just Suspend Me In Gelatin Already

Just Suspend Me In Gelatin Already

You’re here because you would like to be suspended in gelatin. There are numerous benefits to a gelatinous lifestyle: you don’t put pressure on your bones, you can choose your color, and you can control the temperature of your environment. Stay at a temperature comfortable for humans, or maybe increase or decrease it when you feel like a taste of the tropics or the arctic or what-have-you. A gelatinous surrounding is the future. Your gelatinous surrounding will provide you with complete control.

Gelatin is also good for softening the many hard blows that life tosses your way. Auto accident? Doesn’t matter—you’re suspended in goo. Plane wreck? You simply bounce off the ground, tumbling about the terra until you come to your fantastic stop. Also: you can be sling-shotted anywhere while suspended in gelatin. Every home will have an automated slingshot, controlled by GPS. Just enter in your desired location, jiggle your way into the path of the sling, and giggle as you’re shot high into the air, landing with a soft, oozy thud. The future is jelly. It’s whimsical and colorful. Who cares if you can never touch another human again? Good riddance, human touch! Say hello to the sweet handshake of reconstituted bones, sugar, and watery stuff, all refrigerated for some time maybe. Your gelatin is your very own science experiment, a petrie dish in which you will grow into adolescence, adulthood, and death.

Your gelatinous cube also comes with an excellent, Bose surround-sound system. Imagine being engulfed in whatever noise you’d like to hear at any moment. Want the gulls of the sea? There’s a soundtrack for that. Want the dubstep remix? Done. Hoping to hear Coldplay’s latest record and change your opinion about the group? While, alright, sure, you can stream the new record into your jelly cube and broadcast your thoughts via Twitter, instantly.

Oh yeah, your gelatinous cube can also read your mind, so you never have to move or speak or even make facial expressions. The cube itself scuttles about on thousands of tiny mechanical tentacles that allow you premium access to most of Earth’s surfaces. And, if a surface is impassable, there’s always the option to go air bound.

Jason Zabel