“It’s just as absurd as the banking crisis,” says artist Gerhard Richter about the escalation in art prices, in a statement that’s fueled the fire of an #OccupyArtWorld movement aiming to make the art world more fair. An @OccupyArtWorld account has been tweeting things like, “@BarackObama Where are the art jobs you promised us?” and “Art schools have become entertainment factories for the 1%. Brothels of culture.”

To this, I say, amen! Let’s storm the elite galleries and the museums whose directors were born with Gehry-designed stainless-steel spoons in their mouths. Let’s loot the vaults and spread the wealth!

We can start with those rapacious dealers. Most of them don’t even give their artists health insurance, laughing their way to the bank and gouging tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of commission on those $100,000 sculpture sales. Is this the America our children deserve, where a man can’t even sell a goddamn Giacometti without kissing the ring of some Upper West Side vulture? Where an artist can’t become world-renowned without being given the elusive blessing of some arbitrary editor wearing expensive pumps? Where a Richter sells for $10 million, and my kid can’t even sell her adorable finger painting for a fucking quarter?

Then let’s move on to the museums. Run by an exclusive cadre of elite academics and well-heeled donors, they think they have the right to decide what counts as “art.” What they spend on a slashed canvas could fund art classes in two dozen schools for a year. Must we sacrifice the imaginations of hundreds—nay, thousands—of children to the arrogant posturings of a flock of tweedy asswipes? Not in my country, Jack!

Finally, we need to get right to the root of the problem: the artists. Sure, the Gerhard Richters of the world say the right things about price inflation, but look at that cherubic Jeff Koons, cruising around on his yacht and laughing his way to the Swiss Bank with a bunch of giant balloon dogs and some dirty pictures. Did you know Marina Abramović owns an entire theater? Sure, she says she’s going to establish a nonprofit foundation for the preservation of performance art, but (1) bullshit! and (2) do we really need to preserve performance art? Are we really going to put money into this?  When children are starving?!

Maybe we need to get right to the root of the problem. Maybe we need to abolish art itself. Can we truly be free when we’re worrying about paint and clay and abstract ideas about aesthetics? It’s all opiate—all of it! Never mind what I said about kindergarten art classes. Rip those easels out, turn ’em into work tables, and put those kids to work building a better future for themselves. Make Richter teach ’em: he knows a thing or two about metalworking.

– Jay Gabler

Photo: Slinko, Crowd-Pleaser (2011), courtesy the Soap Factory.