“Michele Bachmann opened her event in Spartansburg, South Carolina today by wishing Elvis Presley a Happy Birthday! How nice. The thing is, Elvis died 34 years ago today.” – Gawker

It’s been brought to my attention that I wished Elvis a happy birthday on what is actually the anniversary of his death. Well, so my timing was a little off, but it’s important to remember that Elvis does have a birthday every year, and that birthday needs to be celebrated, because Elvis was such an important figure in promoting Christianity in American culture—even though he was actually British. That’s really the amazing thing.

That photo of Elvis shaking Richard Nixon’s hand: that is an iconic photo, and it was taken when Elvis was helping President Nixon to fight the War on Drugs. Elvis lived a clean life, and never touched any drugs, because he was filled with the light of the Holy Spirit. He brought that light to the old, the young—even the children. Elvis loved children so much that he even married one of them, his wife Allison, who starred in those Naked Gun movies with Leslie Nielsen, one of our greatest actresses.

Did you know that Elvis served in the Army? That’s right, he took off his blue suede shoes and traded them for standard-issue Army boots to go defend our country from Kim Jong Il during the Korean War. If you elect me to be your president, I promise that there will be another Korean War, and we will bring Ladysmith Black Mambazo and the Attractions to sing Elvis’s classic song “Graceland” right in the middle of Red Square in Beijing when that evil dictator is finally vanquished.

So thank you for giving me this opportunity to clarify what I meant in paying tribute to Elvis Presley, one of our greatest songwriters and sharpest dressers. Now let’s take this campaign and—as the King himself said—pump it up!

– Jay Gabler