“The God of the Bible isn’t just about Bible stories and about Bible knowledge, or just about church on Sunday. He is the Lord of all of life. Every bit of life, including sociology.” – Michele Bachmann

“The Private Life of Public Ritual: Worship and Interaction in a Jewish Orthodox Congregation” (Iddo Tavory, the New School for Social Research)
Hello! I sent my only son to die a hideous death at the hands of sadistic Roman soldiers! How did these people not get the memo? What, do I need to send a Facebook invite to Christianity?

“‘Gay Until Proven Straight’: Structure, Culture, and Homonormativity in Theme Park Parades” (David Orzechowicz, University of California, Davis)
I always thought “Knott’s Berry Farm” sounded kind of gay.

“The Rise and Fall of an Icon: The Case of the Marlboro Man” (Murray Milnar, University of Virginia)
His problem was that he was gay. You probably didn’t know that, but I sure did.

“Anonymous Sex and HIV Risk among Men Using the Internet to Find Unprotected Sex Partners” (Hugh Klein, Kensington Research Institute)
Not my fault! I gave them eHarmony. If they want to use Grindr instead, that’s their choice.

“Race and Ethnic Differences in College Applications” (Ann L. Mullen, University of Toronto; Kimberly Ann Goyette, Temple University; Katie Stuart, University of Toronto)
Well, obviously there are going to be race and ethnic differences in college applications! If people of different races go to the same college, they might try to date each other. I know Bob Jones said, “We didn’t need that rule,” but I never told him it was a bad idea.

“How Americans (Mostly Don’t) Find an Interracial Partner” (Reuben J. Thomas, The City College of New York)
Exactly.

“(Mis)Understanding Abortion Regret” (Katrina E. Kimport, University of California-San Francisco; Tracy A. Weitz, UCSF)
Oh, come on! Do the babies on the billboards not speak clearly enough?

“Changing Addiction from a ‘Sin Problem’: Canadian Perceptions of Addiction” (Moira E. O’Neil, FrameWorks Institute)
Count on those secular Canadians to be all like, “Oh, addiction isn’t a ‘sin problem’! It’s about brain chemistry!” Listen, Canucks: I already wrote the only textbook you need to understand addiction, and chapter one is called Genesis. Don’t bother sending those sinners to Hazelden: you can just send ’em straight to hell.

“Theories of Litter: The Multiple Meanings of Physical Incivility in a Poor Suburb” (Alexandra K. Murphy, Princeton University)
As God of sociology, I hereby decree that litter is not something you need to have a theory about. You’re welcome.

“Dynamics of Social Conflict and Energy Transitions: Lessons for the Clean Energy Movement” (Bruce M. Podobnik, Lewis & Clark College)
Lessons, plural? There’s only one lesson, and that is: don’t bother giving a crap about clean energy. That heat you’ve been feeling the last couple of years is the shame of sin, not global warming.

“Becoming Unfaithful: What We Know and Don’t Know about Atheists” (Walter Goldfrank, University of California-Santa Cruz; Samuel W. Kaplan, Retired)
I don’t know what you know about atheists, but I know something they don’t know. Heh heh heh.

“A Feud Between Two Families: Revisiting Apocalyptic Themes in American Televangelism” (Holly Thomas, Carleton University)
The families are probably fighting about whether Joel Osteen or Robert Schuller gives better rapture. That’s a tough call.

“Not a Lonely Crowd? Exploring the Social Lives of the Spiritual But Not Religious” (Orestes “Pat” Hastings, University of California-Berkeley)
Oh, those people. They’re the worst. It’s like you walk into the kitchen and they say, “I acknowledge that someone’s there, but it might not be you!” and then they make you get your own coffee. Hey, don’t bother getting up, folks, it’s not like I’m God or anything.

– Jay Gabler

Photo by Scholz (Creative Commons)