1)    My college town is obscenely small

Not only does everybody know each other, but there’s a decent chance they’re all related. Oh, that really hot neighbor outside washing her car in jean shorts? That’s your ninth cousin! Joy. Added in the fact that the instant I do anything less than purely hetero, you can be damn sure at least 14 people will be phoning home to tattle. Uh-uh, little Suzy’s been checking out the Buy&Save checkout girl again, have you considered electroshock therapy?

2)  Everyone here is ultra-religious

Every single on-campus activity or party is sponsored by a church. So, on the off-chance I do find a girl who’s into lady-parts and can pry her away from the church soldier/chaperone/booster-club-mom, I don’t want to deal with the Christian-guilt breakdown afterwards. Not to mention the inevitable confession on her part that will later get me dirty looks at the church I’m wrangled into going to. Bless me father, it’s not my fault your choir-girls are smokin’ hot, please stop throwing Holy Water at me, it stings.

3)  NOBODY HERE IS GAY. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS.

At least, that’s what everyone wants you to think. I believe this is why most of my classmates drop out to breed three semesters in; nothing says “I’m straight and proud!” like a shotgun wedding! If there ARE any lesbians, bisexuals, other, they’re so deep in the closet the only action they get is from forgotten Christmas decorations their mother-in-laws gave them as a wedding/baby-shower present . Lucky Rudolph.

4) My college is an island in a testosterone sea

This area is very heavily into agriculture, by which I mean rednecks fresh from their families’ farms aiming to “get some book smarts” before settling down (on that same farm) with a girl that majored in home economics. These guys dominate the campus, impressing all the girls with their farmer’s tans ability to crush beer cans on their heads. My soft skull could never compete. Usually in a fraternity, these guys draw every girl on campus like a coon-dog to a fox hole, which is also one of our area’s more popular pick-up lines. And they’re not the fun “let’s get these girls drunk and have them make-out with each other” fraternity guys either, they’re the “manly-man have my woman waiting for me with a plate of fried chicken and a baby” kind of fraternity guys that all the girls wanna bring home to mom. I mean, hey, I can be just as sexist as any farm-boy! Where’s my love?

-Cassandra Watson

Photo by MarkScottAustinTX