Plaintiff’s counsel: I’d like to call my first witness: the city bus.

City bus: Yes. I am firmly of the opinion that bicycles should not be allowed to exist. Bicyclists have no regard for law and order, and they’re a threat to themselves and everyone around them. They lurk creepily in my blind spots, and then without warning they come careening into traffic. Or, worse, they jump up onto the sidewalk and terrify the defenseless pedestrians waiting at the bus stop! I’ve tried to accommodate bicyclists. Many buses have bike racks on the front, so bicyclists can convert from menacing bikers to peace-loving bus riders at any time—but all too few do. It’s time for the madness to end.

Judge: Does the defense have a response?

Defendant’s counsel: Yes, your honor. My clients want to obey the law, but these giant buses completely dominate city streets. They stop suddenly and choose for themselves when they want to start going again, and they demand that all in their path yield to their government-sanctioned might. An urban bicyclist who obeys the law to the letter will be stuck behind a bus within blocks, with virtually no hope of overtaking it. He or she is left back there sucking fumes, trapped between the verboten sidewalk on one side and the heedless car traffic on the other. It’s inhumane!

Judge: Plaintiff, call your next witness.

Plaintiff’s counsel: Thank you, your honor. We call the pedestrian.

Pedestrian: This is…very difficult. This is very difficult for me. I’ve been plagued by reckless, possibly homicidal bicyclists for my entire life. They jump up onto sidewalks—illegally, might I add—and ride at horrifying speeds down that one small safe zone reserved for those of us who simply want to walk. Those of us who simply want to be somewhere, in this crazy world. Nor are we safe in the streets! Bicyclists fail to yield to us, expecting us to somehow just know when they’re coming. They think they know what we’re going to do, which direction we’re going to walk—but the freedom to stop suddenly or turn in an unexpected direction is one of the few pleasures allowed to us, the smallest and weakest inhabitants of city streets. The bicycle is a menace! End it now!

Judge: Defense, you may respond.

Defendant’s counsel: Thank you, your honor. I speak for most—though, in honesty, I can’t say all—bicyclists when I say that bicyclists don’t want to go on the sidewalk. They would prefer to stay on the street. But there are occasional situations, like the bus situation described above, or interchanges clearly designed with only cars and buses in mind that force bikers to behave like pedestrians if they want to cross in safety, or narrow streets where cars force bikes into the treacherous Dooring Zone, when bikers simply have no reasonable choice but to ride—with caution and respect—on the sidewalk. As for their interactions with pedestrians on the street…well. To put it bluntly, many—though I can’t say all—pedestrians completely ignore bikes. They walk out into the street, either failing to look for bikers or assuming that bikers will screech to a halt from a 20-MPH speed because they apparently don’t deserve to exist.

Pedestrian: They don’t! They’re monsters! Monsters!

City bus: Your hubris will be the end of you, scofflaws!

Judge: [banging gavel] Order in the court! Plaintiff, call your last witness.

Plaintiff’s counsel: Thank you. Your honor, we call…the car.

Car: Do you guys really need me here? I mean, what is there to say? The case is obvious. Bikers say that streets were designed for me and not them. Maybe that’s so, but is that my problem? I’m just trying to get from point A to point B, but I can’t go a block without getting stuck behind some huffing-puffing biker who won’t get out of my way because he has this paranoid fear that someone will open the door of a parked car and he might have a little bump.

Defendant’s counsel: Objection! Your honor, by law, a bicycle is entitled to a full lane of traffic.

Judge: Objection sustained. Witness, get to the point.

Car: Okay, the point. The point is, a bike is a 19th century form of transportation. It’s outdated. But bikers have this feeling of moral superiority, because they have no emissions—like, I’m sorry, my driver’s gotta get to work, is that a crime?—and those damn bikers just zip all over the goddamn place, running stoplights like they own the universe. You know what? They don’t. It’s time for them to learn their lesson.

Judge: Defense, do you have a response?

Defendant’s counsel: Yes, your honor. There is no greater menace to the law-abiding bicyclist than the car. This attitude you see displayed here today is all too common: cars are annoyed by bikes. Cars wish bikes didn’t exist. Cars want bikes to get out of the way. Cars are bigger than bikes, and they bully—yes, bully—my clients, often with lethal consequences. Now, I’m not saying that bicyclists always comport themselves in the most respectful manner, but I assure you that they have “learned their lesson” in the hardest, saddest way. In the United States, more than two bicyclists every day are killed by cars. My clients know all too well the risks they face on the city streets, but they believe in a form of transportation that’s healthy, efficient, and sustainable. Is that a crime? No. No, it is not. I rest my case.

Judge: Plaintiff, do you have anything else to say?

Plaintiff’s counsel: Your honor, we offer a settlement. We’ll add some bike lanes, but we reserve the right to occasionally use them for ourselves if we feel the need.

Defendent’s counsel: “Occasionally”? You mean, like all the time!

Plaintiff’s counsel: Occasionally. In return, we’re going to paint no-bike signs on many sidewalks, and if bicyclists disobey those signs, we reserve the right to kill them.

Judge: How about you have the right to ticket them.

Plaintiff’s counsel: Fine.

Defendent’s counsel: Fine!

Judge: [banging gavel] Court adjourned! Bicycles, you have won the right to continue to exist. Good luck with that.

– Jay Gabler