“You’re trying to take off my bra. Why is it so difficult for guys to undo a bra? Fuck it, I’ll just take it off myself.” (Lily De Luca, What I Actually Think During a Random Hook Up)

All right, someone needs to speak up for the guys in this situation. Undoing a bra is no easy task, especially in the heat of a hook up.

Women, you’ve undone bras countless thousands of times. You’ve learned about all the different numbers and combinations of hooks and straps and elastic bands that bra manufacturers concoct to keep your lady lumps in line. You, of all people, should appreciate that bras do not undo easily. They’re designed to keep things in order during a 2 PM coffee run, not to loose your funbags during a 2 AM hook up.

So here we are. We’re already at a delicate moment in the hook up, because I’m trying to figure out whether you want me to undo your bra—and whether you want it to happen now, later, or whether you wish I wasn’t such a goddamn sensitive guy and had ripped your clothes off ten minutes ago. Okay, now? Let’s do it.

First I have to get around to your back. In most cases, this is not easy, and I’m going to need to somehow communicate to you that I’m trying to undo your bra without killing the mood by saying, “Excuse me, could you just arch your back for a second? Thanks.” Eventually you figure it out and arch your back or lean forward or whatever, and believe me, I am well aware that you’re in an uncomfortable position and the awkwardness clock is ticking.

Ideally I can just go at it with two hands, but that’s a rare opportunity—I probably need one hand to keep supporting you, or supporting me, or doing whatever it’s doing. So I probably have only one hand to work with, and not necessarily my right hand.

I know what the general task is going to be, but are there two hooks? Three? Is there one of those protective flaps? How tight is the strap? I know I need to try to get all hooks undone simultaneously, because if I get only one undone, that just tightens the pressure on the remaining hook and makes it all the harder to undo—plus, yes, I am trying to be smooth here and get this taken care of in a single one-handed motion.

It’s possible to undo a bra in a single, efficient, one-handed motion, but it’s kind of like successfully eating with chopsticks: it takes practice. If I have a little trouble undoing your bra because I haven’t been practicing enough, well, excuse me for not being a man-whore.

– Jay Gabler

Photo by the Busses (Creative Commons)