Don’t get a dog. If you absolutely must, then get a mutt, not a purebred. (Where do people get the money for that?)

Never buy a car new, always buy used. (Where do people get the money for that?)

A lot of guys would be happier if they were high school teachers and coaches.

If you’re going to live in St. Paul, live in “the Hamburger Section” (Merriam Park) instead of “the Sirloin Section” (Highland Park).

Don’t go running. It’s bad for your knees, and you never see a jogger smiling.

Get a computer guy you trust, and a car guy you trust, and a house guy you trust.

Don’t read too much Rolling Stone. Form your own opinions about music.

The Bee Gees are underrated. The Velvet Underground are overrated.

It’s fun to sit on the porch and watch the rain and smoke cigarettes.

Don’t complain about people smoking cigarettes if you’re driving that car around polluting the air yourself.

If a guy shakes your hand and twitches his finger against the inside of your palm, it means he’s hitting on you.

If you want to know the names of rivers you cross on a road trip, don’t use a AAA map. AAA doesn’t give a shit about rivers.

There is no better car than a Toyota Camry. If you are lucky enough to own one, take good care of it and it will take care of you.

When you’re reading a book and come across a word you don’t understand, look it up and write the definition down. That way you’ll remember it.

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote some heavy stuff.

– Jay Gabler