“I walked into the common room, and he was having sex with the couch. Not on the couch, with it.”

“Last night he passed out drunk, so I shameballed him.” “What’s shameballing?” “You dip your balls in paint, then you put them on the forehead of the guy who’s passed out.”

“See that dining hall worker? Last night at about 11 PM he got into the elevator with me on the fourth floor, grinning and smelling like pot. Neither of us said anything.” “Is that the dining hall worker who said you two should go sing karaoke together?” “No, that was a different guy.”

“I hear that last night Natalie Portman made out in the Bell Tower bathroom with some guy from the swim team.” “Ew. Like half the college has made out in that bathroom.”

“Are they still fighting over which suite of guys gets those bar stools left in storage?” “Yeah. Last night someone pooped in the ‘Meat Locker’ guys’ trash can, and they blamed one of the ‘Wine and Cheese’ guys—but I happen to know that it was one of their own friends, drunk at their party.”

“I’ve discovered that three different guys on my floor own the Vengaboys CD. I’m not sure what to do with that information.”

“Last night Jim and Sue [faculty heads of the dorm] had a Christmas dinner for the tutorial staff at their residence. There was a bottle of rum next to the egg nog, so I thought you were supposed to spike your own. Turns out it was already spiked. On my way out, I shook Sue’s hand and said, ‘Thanks for coming over, Sue.'”

“I totally saw Rivers Cuomo on my way back from plugging the parking meter this morning! He was wearing a track jacket.”

“Last night I looked out my window and saw this guy trying to persuade a girl to go on a naked Quad run with him. He was like, ‘Look! I’m already naked!’ and she was like, ‘Okay, I’ll just take my shirt off.’ They got about halfway around the Quad before the cops showed up. She just ran away, but he was caught in the headlights. He just stood there naked and put his hands up. The cop got on the PA and said to him, ‘Please put your pants on, sir.'”

“The other day I was hanging out in the Winklevoss twins’ suite, and Cameron came out and said, ‘Tyler! Quit stealing my sweaters!’ That really punctured the Winklevii mystique for me.”

– Jay Gabler was a hearer of most of these stories, and the teller of a few of them