What I can do:

Use words like “fuck” and “cunt.” No problem. Make it clear that you want me to go there, and I can sound like Stanley Kowalski on a bender.

Use accessories and costumes. This has never really come up, but I like to think I’d be open-minded.

Take dominant/submissive positions. You just go where you need to go, and I’ll figure out my part.

Bruise you. I was once asked, in no uncertain terms, to do this. I just thought of it like a little hug that I was giving really hard. The next day she called me to tell me that the bruise hurt, and the pain was turning her on. I started to wonder whether things were going to work out between us.

What I can’t do:

Hit you. I can’t even give a convincing pretend slap.

Throw you onto the bed. I mean, maybe if we work up to it and things are getting intense, then there could be a vigorous push. But if you’re waiting for me to just burst in the door out of nowhere, tackle you onto the mattress, and yank your pants off…sorry.

Surprise you in the middle of the night, so when you wake up, things are already happening. This is another thing I was once asked for, but I could never figure out the logistics. Plus, I just felt like even if I did figure it out, the surprise might not be as pleasant in reality as it seemed in theory.

Act like a jackhammer. When the headboard starts rattling, I can’t keep a straight face.

– Jay Gabler