The Cruiser. This guy is short and a little funny-looking, which he tries to make work for him. He has a pretty good body, which he shows off theatrically by sporting a long t-shirt with the sides cut out. This is later removed entirely, revealing a striped pair of boxer briefs. He spends the whole night jumping from girl to girl, dancing near them to see if they’re ready to dance with him yet. You suspect that eventually he gets it in with someone, but you don’t know for sure. He just disappears.

The Well-Prepared Bro. All that weight training is paying off for this bro, who has anticipated this party for months. He wears Christmas boxers, a Christmas necktie (sans shirt), and a Santa hat. He goes home with a cute girl, fails to achieve an erection, and returns to the party in ignominy.

The Creeper. Middle-aged guy sitting at a table, fully clothed, shamelessly gawking.

The Athletic Oldster. Fit middle-aged guy in boxer briefs, dancing vigorously and alone. Seems to be enjoying himself more than anyone else is.

The Ass Exhibitionists. Girls with great asses who know they have great asses and are wearing tiny little briefs to show off their asses. They stand at the rail the whole time, just showing off their asses.

The Inexplicably Slutty Pretty Girl. Tall, blonde, barefoot, and gorgeous in a camisole and briefs. For reasons unknown, she gets hot and heavy with several guys over the course of the night, concluding with her legs wrapped around a guy whose face she’s devouring.

The Unprepared Guy. Wasn’t planning on coming to a no-pants dance party. Wears plaid boxers and a live the life you love t-shirt; keeps his sneakers and socks on. Has to dance with his wallet and phone in his hand, because he didn’t know to leave them at home like everyone else did. Looks shocked when the Inexplicably Slutty Pretty Girl starts grinding on him.

The Unprepared Girl. Thought you were supposed to wear clothes that look like underwear, so showed up in a silky jumper. Since it’s not technically underwear and she didn’t want to take it off, she had to pay the $5 cover for people with clothes. Ends up bonding with the Unprepared Guy over their mutual unpreparedness.

The Time Bider. Good-looking guy who stands, fully clothed, against the wall, knowing that eventually the Inexplicably Slutty Pretty Girl will come and start grinding on him. She does, and he’s feeling great about his strategy until she goes to the bathroom and reappears a half-hour later devouring the face of another guy.

The Horny Gay Trio. Strip down to boxer briefs straightaway and commence making out in the middle of the dance floor. Multiple people who dance near them will be heard to observe, “I think I just saw a penis.”

The Disapproving Girl. Leaves her jeans on because she’s just not comfortable going pantsless, and she will explain this to you if you strike up a conversation. Yet there she is, wearing pants at a no-pants dance party. Dances alone, defiantly.

Excited in Principle, But Bored in Practice. Hot girls who really liked the idea of a no-pants dance party, but now that they’re here, they see that it’s just like any other dance party except that there’s a 100% rather than 75% chance of them feeling boners against their butts if they let guys grind up on them. They dance alone as a pair for the whole night, fending off repeated advances by the Cruiser.

The Bartender. Super sexy. Wearing pants.

The DJ. Super sexy. Not wearing pants.

– Jay Gabler was the Unprepared Guy at a no-pants dance party last night in Madison, Wisconsin

Photo: Apt613.ca