Remember the days when Gwyneth Paltrow was a tall, sultry mysterious actress who we associated with Margot Tenenbaum smoking cigarettes in the bathtub? Those days were the best. She had some restraint. She had some standoffish tall lady dignity. We forgave her for marrying and reproducing with the guy from Coldplay. We forgave her for naming that offspring “Apple.” But we were gave her too much trust, and she went off the handle. She started a website called GOOP, where she gave advice about things like liquid diets and acupuncture and better living through being a rich person. She started a “singing career” and now I have to see her on Glee, which I totally don’t watch, OK?

I’m going to call this one early: Zooey Deschanel is Gwynething. She is taking her trademark and blowing it up to the point where the Frappuccino buried deep within our guts feels colder than ever.

Evidence one: The New Girl

The trailer has been removed, but just wait. It’s terrifying. (She’s a cute, silly roommate that has model friends but her male cohabitators are like “Should we live with a chick? Huh?”)

Evidence two: Her new site, Hello Giggles.

Founded by actress/musician ZOOEY DESCHANEL, producer SOPHIA ROSSI and blogger/Internet Sensation MOLLY MCALEER, hellogiggles.com is the ultimate entertainment destination for smart, independent and creative females. Everything hosted on the site will be lady-friendly, so visitors need not worry about finding the standard Boys Club content that makes many entertainment sites unappealing to so many of us.

Hi, The Hairpin and Jezebel already exist. Oh, and they’ve already covered The Babysitters Club. Get with it. The site layout is cute as a frame from 500 Days of Summer, but it seems like clearly they did not investigate their positioning well enough to figure out they’re not really venturing into any new territory.

Slow it down Zooey. You’re marching around in mascara commercials TOO FAST. Don’t Gwyneth on us baby.

–Becky Lang