Camping out. Spreading an efficiency apartment full of personal belongings all over a table, counter, or couch, then taking a nap.

Tipping with coupons for free dance classes. Or any coupons.

Waiting in line for several minutes, but not looking at the menu to decide what you want until you get to the counter. It’s cool, we can wait. We can all wait.

Asking for detailed descriptions of coffee bean varieties. “Is that one nutty? I don’t like nuts. Was it shade-grown? Are there any hints of boysenberry?”

Ordering a macchiato and being upset when you get exactly what you ordered. Those Italian words are maybe a little confusing, but…really?

Shamelessly ogling baristas. FYI, sir, you are now indoors and your Transitions lenses have become transparent.

Canoodling. As the bus drivers say, this ain’t the back of a movie theater.

Looking at porn. Also, watching YouTube videos about how to assemble/clean a handgun.

Listening to music. Your barista might be a little miffed if you leave a Yelp comment criticizing her 90s rock playlist, but that is a more appropriate reaction than trying to drown the STP out with your own ODB.

BYO comestibles. As in buying an eight-ounce cup of coffee to accompany the Lunchable, salad, and bottle of Smart Water you brought from home.

Not busing your dishes. But whether or not you bus them, please find a location other than your plate for your ABC gum.

Standing in the middle of the doorway having a phone conversation. Excuse me. Pardon me. Um, ma’am? Hello. Just trying to get through the door here. Excuse me, YOU ARE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A DOORWAY. Thank you.

Being messy at the fixins bar. Were you trying to make a three-point shot with the contents of that packet of Equal?

Ordering drinks in terms of Venti, Grande, and Tall at places that aren’t Starbucks. Maybe you’re being ironic, but no one can hear the quotation marks.

Hosting a prayer circle. Did the 90s rock not tip you off to the fact that this isn’t a sweat lodge?

Taking the wrong drink. Do you not know what a macchiato looks like? Oh, wait.

Paying in pennies. Technically, yes, they are legal tender—but really, don’t you want to epoxy those into a mosaic on your rec room floor or something?

Making judgmental comments—really, any comments at all—about baristas’ tattoos. Volunteering to show your own “DTF” inner thigh tattoo doesn’t make this any less awkward.

Moving furniture and then not moving it back. Well, yes, it might happen that a group of eight will walk in the door immediately after you leave, looking to share that two-person table like you were.

Spitting chaw into coffee mugs. What would your mother say? What? She’d be doing the same thing? Oh.

Not taking off your sunglasses to order. Unless you’re Roy Orbison, and Roy Orbison is dead.

Paying with a $100 bill before noon. Or at all. What are you, a drug dealer?

Generally acting stank.

– Courtney Algeo and Jay Gabler

Photo by Heather Burgess (Creative Commons)