Tangy: Hi. Nice to meet you.

WMPPD: Hi. This is all off the record, ok?

Tangy: Well, some of it has to be on the record.

WMPPD: No. Do you want this interview or not? You do? OK. Here are the ground rules. Do not ever say “weed” around me. It’s a tip-off. Also, never use the words hash, dank, nug, or any other words on this list in my presence. Do not call me on my phone. Do not chat me on Facebook. Do not, by any means, send me an email. If you do, you will be out. Lots of people need pot. I don’t need you.

Tangy: You just said “pot.”

WMPPD: I get to say it, you don’t. You just said it there, so that’s strike one.

Tangy: OK, sorry. So what do you like to do for fun?

WMPPD: Are you implying that I do drugs because that is absolutely none of your business.

Tangy: I just mean, like, what do you do when you hang out with your friends?

WMPPD: Most of my former friends were actually just cops that were elaborately trying to sniff out my vocation and bust me.

Tangy: Really? How did you know?

WMPPD: They were asking too many questions.

Tangy: OK. So, how exactly can people procure “you know what” from you?

WMPPD: Don’t say “you know what.” That’s a tip off.

Tangy: Sorry. Are you going to answer the question?

WMPPD: If people want to engage in business with me, they have to crawl under my fence and then walk to my windowsill. They might want to run, because my dogs will likely be outside, and they’re professionally trained to guard my property to the point of sacrificing their own lives. Once someone has made it to the right, lower windowsill, they will see that I am inside, playing WOW. No, you cannot know my “main.” Then they must knock three times – that is the secret code. Once they’re in, I’ll take a photo of them for my index and run their name to make sure they are not a cop or in training to become a cop. I also make them turn their cell phones off once they get into my apartment.

Tangy: Wow, that’s … safe. So – how’s business?

WMPPD: You know, it’s been down. I think it’s the economy.

–Becky Lang with help of Crispin Best in figuring out what people who play WOW call their avatar