In junior high, we got a lot of our boy advice from a friend’s older sister, who never failed to provide us with inaccurate information. (For a couple of years, I thought I lost my virginity to a tampon.) And though she ended up pregnant at a young age, I want to thank her for fueling our slumber parties with giddy activities—activities that ruined me for life. Below is a list of things I had to learn the hard way.

Sitting on your hands to numb them and then grabbing your boob will not simulate what it feels like when a boy does it. Boob grabs are weird and spontaneous. Nothing can prepare you for that.

Putting two fingers together and kissing them is not like kissing a boy. Fingers are usually cold and dry, and unless you’re kissing vampires, which is what today’s junior high girls fantasize about, you’re in for a huge letdown. Fingers will also not surprise you with a slippery, aggressive tongue.

You can’t play “hard-to-get” unless the boy likes you in return. A common mistake. Teen romance novels give the impression that every guy likes a chase, but they always leave out the fact that the girl in the story is probably really attractive and/or puts out. I remember passing a note or two to a boy that said, “This is your last chance! Do you like me or not?” (“yes” and “no” check boxes included). It ended poorly. As I aged, it got even trickier. Just because you, hypothetically, made out in your dormitory TV lounge during an enema infomercial, doesn’t mean he likes you. You still can’t play hard-to-get. They’ll just hide somewhere on campus all the time. Hypothetically, of course.

Boys aren’t listening to your music, and no, it doesn’t make them think of you, too. No boy is going to sit in his room and listen to Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby,” and say, “Hey. It’s kind of like Heidi is singing this to me! What a swell gal.”

Relationships aren’t about holding hands, giggling, and cuddling. Relationships are about sex. If your mom tells you otherwise, she’s lying. It’s not until you’re incapable of engaging in sex that they become about something else. (Then they become about money, mashed sweet potatoes, and Depends.)

–Heidi Schatz was not turned on by the enema infomercial